Monday, June 21, 2010

All things must come to a close...

Well, loyal readers, I am done with blogging for a while. I have re-read what I've written, and have come to the conclusion that, 'if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.' I have some work to do on myself that needs to be done quietly. I'll be back after a while. Thank you all for reading and commenting and making me feel loved. I really appreciate all the positive reinforcement!


Saturday, June 19, 2010


The give-a-way results are in!

Julie- Brown Runner
Jakell- Springtime Fun
Kimala- Desert
Kamie-Contemporary Black and White
Sam-Brown Square

Thank you all for participating! Please send me your address so I can ship you the prizes if you live out of town! I hope you all enjoy the runners. None of them are perfect, but they are all made with love.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Only 25 more views until I give away some Table Running Madness. If you want to get in on the contest here are the rules:

(1) Post a comment on this blog post. (Please note, I have changed the comments to be private. I know some of you don't want to say anything that everyone can read.)
(2) Become a follower.

Sounds pretty easy, eh? I would guess the drawing will take place this weekend. If you live out of town please send me your shipping address.

Thank you all for listening to the rantings of a Mad Woman who quilts!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Prayer is everywhere. Every religion in the world has some sort of prayer ritual, either a set prayer or a set way to pray. The Christians have, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven" and "Mother Mary Full of Grace." The Mormons have, "Dear Heavenly Father...thank you...bless this thing or that person...Jesus name, Amen." The prayer I say everyday, the prayer I recite when I need strength is Jenny's Prayer. "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here." Isn't that all prayer is, a plea for someone to change our current situation, our current state of mind. A plea to make things better or take care of someone we can't help. Jenny's simple, direct approach speaks to me an a level that 'Dear Heavenly Father' never did. Jenny's prayer makes it okay to be scared and okay to want to be magically transported to somewhere safe. Jenny's innocence gives me comfort in an uncertain world. I pray to be taken away and changed into a bird and fly to where no one is sick and no one fights and everyone gets what they want in life. I pray to make up for my mistakes...I pray to be far, far away from his place and this time in my life. I pray to a God who is there, but is as tired and overwhelmed and flawed as I am, because only a flawed soul would wish and pray things that will never come true like being changed in to a bird and fly away, in peace...

Monday, June 7, 2010

12 Steps

I need a 12 step program for a Total Personality Makeover. I need someone to coach me through making and keeping friends, becoming confident in social situations and navigating my way through crowds. Some people are born social butterflies, I was born a longing wall flower. My whole life I have wondered why people don't like me. I have always wondered why I'm the last one picked for the team or un-vitied to parties. I feel like I'm 12 years old and the room makes a unanimous groan as I approach night games. I try to ignore the whispers of, "who invited her?" and "she is gonna ruin the game." I wish I could just wear a sign that says, 'I am more afraid of you than you are of me.' or maybe, 'treat me gently-emotionally unstable!'
Some things never change. I still don't understand....I don't understand anything. I look at happy people with good lives and wonder what I did wrong. I wonder why, at 30, I don't know any more about human behavior than I did at 12. I wonder if I can tease death into ending my suffering. I know I'm supposed to say that I love my family and this too shall pass, and nothing could be that bad, but I'm so tired of all the bull shit. I'm tired of putting on the face and trying to make it work. If I can't talk to ladies that I have know for 2 or 3 years about anything other than the weather and then go home and have a panic attack about it, maybe I should stop pretending. I know they say that a little girl needs her mother, but I really don't have anything to teach her. All I know is book smarts and in the grand scheme of things, that means I know precious little about anything. She could learn what she needs to know at any day care in the country.
My husbands reminds me that I'm a bitch. He's right. I'm a bitch as a defense...anymore I don't seem to have to presence of mind to even be a bitch. For the most part I just keep it all to myself. I'm sure I'll let it all out inappropriately, but it's to be expected right, I'm the bitch. I'm so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of making mistakes. Tired of parenting. Tired of all of it. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Today. Today I know why I spent those years friendless and alone. Because I chose the easy road. I chose to be alone rather than to disappoint or not quite fit or say something stupid and be the bitch. I chose to stay home instead of run into that brick wall one more time. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't want so badly to be part of a group and suck so badly at participation. 12 steps would be nice. Then I will know where to go and what to do and when to pat myself on the back because I accomplished a task. I'm sure Dr. Phil wrote a book about my problem and I read it already, and it didn't help. I'm so tired...I can't post this. Luckily only 3 people read this drivel and they all have lives they are living successfully without all this head-drama. You should all count yourselves as lucky because this is what 'worse' looks like.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Nearing 900

As we approach 900 visits, I would like to remind everyone that when we reach 1,000 visits I will be giving away some Table Runners in a drawing. Here are the pics of what you can look forward to winning!

Eastern Utah Desert

Brown and Red Square

Brown and Red Runner

Spring-Time Brightness

Contemporary Black and White
More details for the actual drawing to come. Make sure you are a follower to get in on the action!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

In the Land of Blog

The online world if overrun with extremes. Extreme people writing extreme poetry talking about all things positive. The 'next blog' feature is one button I push now and again. It is interesting to see other people's lives. I have noticed a theme, there are blogs about:
1. My Family
2. My Hobby
3. My Physical Condition.
I just read part of a blog about a woman trying to breastfeed the child she had by artificial insemination. I read one about the poetry of some obscure Middle-Eastern ancient Guru. I read one more about the latest family vacation. I have noticed, especially on the 'family' blogs that only positives things are mentioned. The moral of the story is often pointed out and stories end in a tickle-fight. I wonder.... can life be that great all the time!?! In my mind, those who think they have the best life ever are, unbeknownst to them, waiting in a que for a giant tragedy. The 'everything is perfect' people are the ones who will have the breakdowns that land them in padded rooms. They are the ones whose husbands cheat and leave and whose teenagers get into drugs and sex at an early age. I think it is a good idea to keep on the bright side of life, but to only write the bright and not mention or even acknowledge the dark, leads to quite an unbalanced life. My life is full of ups and downs and lessons learned and lessons forgotten and I try to write about all of it. I really do feel bad for those who ignore the unpleasant, because with the unpleasant comes the reminder that 'things could be worse' and makes the good times even better.

Monday, May 31, 2010


You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. Cat-lovers have scratches. Hard workers have calluses. High-maintenance people has manicures....the rest of us just have hands. My hands have started to age. No longer do I have elegant long fingers and neatly long-trimmed nails with strong, square palms. they are sun-damaged and freckly. They have broken or chipped nails and ragged cuticle. They have lost the long elegance of yester year and are rapidly becoming just big and well-used and old. I wonder why this happens. I wonder why one day I woke up and noticed the subtle differences. I think, maybe, all things in life work this way. Everything seemed fine and I enjoyed the beauty of my hands and the detail that I could get my fingers to accomplish, but now, it's different. My eyes can't see the detail like they used to and my fingers seem to clumsily accomplish tasks. I feel I have missed something...some life I should have lived with beautiful hands, some moment I should have reveled in. Now though, I just have big, aging, clumsy, sun-damaged hands a mere relic, eluding to the glory that may have been.

Monday, May 24, 2010


My sister-in-law Sam gave me this award! This gift comes at a small price. I am now supposed to tell you 7 things you didn't know about me, here goes. (Sam you are torturing me!!!!)
1. I love the quite in the early morning, tucked into the covers, easing my way into consciousness. In this place between asleep and awake I can take stock of myself without any self-judgement. Once I totally wake up, it's a different story.
2. I eat only one or two meals any given day, possibly 1100 calories-I consume at least that many calories a day in Dr. Pepper.
3. When I grow up I want to be an Architect. If I hit the lotto tomorrow, I would still go to Architecture school.
4. I want to live in a world surrounded by lush, flowering greenery. My thumb-not very green-but I truly enjoy the struggle. The soil behind my fingernails makes me feel alive!
5. My mother is my best friend! Always has been, as far back as childhood and still now in my 30's my mother is the only person who I think 'gets' me.
6. I would someday like to be part of a commune. Not the hippy kind with free love and no showers, but a co-op with gardens and weaving and artists and unplugged music.
7. Finally, I bought luggage when I graduated from college in 2002, I planned to see the world. I have only used it once, to go to Vegas for job training.
Thank you Sam for including me in your blog-adventures. For any new comers: I hope you enjoy the quilted madness of my life!

One Inch

I was cutting fabric into 1 inch strips a couple of weeks ago and I was reminded of a lesson I learned in college: To accomplish a goal I have to do things until I feel like I can't do it any longer, then, I have to do it longer and then I'll be done. In college this applied to everything from weekly assignments to entire semesters. I knew if I wanted to graduate with a B.S. degree, I would have to put in long hours and suffer-lots. I knew the goal would be worth it, but the practical day-to-day was very draining. In my last semester of college I took 21 credits because there were 2 classes that were only offered in the spring and I didn't want to waste another year-so I struggled. I know, as my mom can attest to, that I truly didn't think I could go on another minute, much less another semester. Everyday was a struggle. Every piece of homework was painful. I complained and cried more that semester than any other. Through all of the pain, I learned that I just had to keep going. I learned that even if I didn't think I could do it, but kept working at it daily, I would eventually finish. The end-result was the first Bachelors degree in the history of my family!
The same theory applies to the 1-inchers I was cutting. The 2 yards of fabric in front of me was so intimidating and so overwhelming and the progress was so s-l-o-w that I didn't think I would ever be done. After an hour of cutting my arm was sore. By the end of the second hour of cutting I was cursing and wanted to give up; but I keep going through the motions and eventually I was done. I worked and struggled and cursed my stupidity for thinking I could do this project in the first place, but I finished. (The sewing of the pieces back together was another test of perseverance, but that is a story for another time!)
I think anybody can start something. Anybody can take a few classes or cut up the first 1/2 yard of fabric; anybody can accomplish a task for a short amount of time. The difference is the people who can see past the discomfort of right now, keep working daily, and finish. The people who complete a task without giving up or loosing interest or 'changing their mind' are the ones who are the true winners in life. They are the ones that can accomplish great things. They are the ones we look up to and want to be like. From school to fabric I know my goals can be accomplished if I work until I can't do it any more-then do it more and finally I win the prize.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Schizophrenic Sherbet

Newest Completed Quilt..I named it Schizophrenic Sherbet. It started off very soft and once I added the bold pink it took on a life of its own. Not too bad for 3 days nap-time! I have 3 left over center panels, I think I'll use them to make something more subtle; but for now, they will go into the scrap bag for another day.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Neapolitan Scrappy Fences

I finally finished the Neapolitan Scrappy Fences Quilt top. I think it looks pretty good!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I have many reoccurring nightmares. I have so many, in fact, that I wonder when the last time I had a new dream was. One such nightmare involves my husband dying-tragically. I always wake up panic-stricken and upset. When I have these dreams they take over my day-time life too. I talk to my husband on the phone more and make sure I tell him I love him. I worry if I haven't heard from him in a couple of hours. If he is late home I am convinced that I will receive 'that' phone call. I realized this week that these horrible nightmare always become more prominent when my parents are going out of town. I finally realized that I panic because if my husband dies and my parents are gone I AM ALONE. I know if anything terrible were to happen there are people around to help me but my husband and parents are my only secure support. It turns out I am terrified of being alone. I don't think I am strong enough to raise my daughter alone. I don't think I can live without talking to my parents. I don't think I can occupy my time by myself without my husband.
I spent years alone and essentially friendless-but those were the worst years of my life. Those were the years that changed who I am and what I think of the world. I am panic-ing at the mere thought of re-living those horrible times-the thought of living that lonely way again. I need my husband! I need my family and friends and acquaintances and hobbies and I don't want any of those things to leave-especially my hubby.
Maybe now these panic-ridden nightmares will go away because I realized the root of the problem!?!? Maybe now I can sleep knowing my honey will come home to me and my parents will drive safely when they go out of town. We are are not made to be alone and my fears and insecurities can no longer keep me from living the full and people-filled life I deserve.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This Too

This Too Shall Pass. My sister-in-law reminded me of this again yesterday when I was complaining about my daughters behavior. It is one of those phrases that gets thrown around willie-nillie. It is a good sentiment, and I agree-that nothing can last forever, and eventually things will work themselves the moment-This Too Shall Not Pass Quickly Enough!
If life is lived to learn lessons, I may be learning disabled or possibly full fledged-retarded! Throughout my life thus far I have not learned TRUST, PATIENCE, or CALM. I have, however, learned how the get the school of hard knocks, which roads leads to the hard way, and what not to do! Humor, it seems, may be my only saving grace. My humor, though full of sarcasm and crass, does seem to level the playing field. If I can eventually laugh about it, I don't have nightmares about it and that, my friends, makes my life live-able.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Fits

My daughter has started throwing fits at an amazing frequency complete with ear-splitting volume. Just now, when I told her it was time to leave McDonald's she threw herself onto the floor and kicked her feet and screamed at the top of her lungs. There is no reason she started this-one day out of the blue she started kicking on the floor. I wish this behavior would stop, it does nothing but aggravate the hell out of me. This fit-throwing escalates 3 out of 5 times into all out battle. I know she is only 3.5, but she has a way of sucking away my very will to live!! I don't know how this started or how I can end this, but I am done with the fits.
I hate being the bad mother dragging my kid out of McDonald's by her arm. I hate being the one yelling and threatening, I hate being the bad guy... what did I do to make her like this? She gets my full attention all day every day and it is still not enough. Maybe that is it, she gets her way most of the time, so when she doesn't, she flies off the handle. Whatever it is, she is pushing me ever closer the the edge of my sanity. Padded Room, here I come!
Tell me again what the upside to motherhood is?!?!? I have to remind myself that I chose this. I can do this. It's not that bad. It doesn't feel that way on the inside. I feel like I fail more than I succeed at motherhood and at life. As a child I was always the 'good' kid. Kept to myself, did the right thing, entertained myself and stayed out of trouble. I remember as a kid-maybe 4th or 5th grade-being in my room with my ZooBooks animal posters all layed out thinking-knowing- this would be my life. Alone in my room with my stuff. I spent years in my 20's as an adult alone in my room. Even now, in my 30's, alone in my house. But now I have a kid that I can't handle and don't understand who yells back to drive home how horrible I am. I wish I could go back to being alone in my 20's and avoid the therapy for both Kristin and I.

Monday, May 3, 2010


As everybody know the 'it' word of this millennium is GREEN. Recycle, reuse, up cycle, conserve, and the list goes on. Now, I am not one to be outspoken on political issues, but something has been bothering me for a couple of days. I watched a craft-y show last week about cutting apart old clothing to then knitting it into new clothing. The idea, I thought, was nice, but the end product seemed as old and tattered as the skirt it was made from. I understand that there are very few uses for old clothing but wearing holey jeans as a scarf seemed a little far fetched for my taste.
Possibly, a better idea might be to not over shop. I know for me, I wear a small fraction of the clothing in my closet. Maybe I should give some of the under worn pieces to a women's shelter. I could probably spare all the clothes that are too small. Maybe collectively, we should start a community clothing exchange. We all have closets full of barely worn clothes that we would like to magically change into 'new' clothes don't we?!?
I just think that chopping up skirts and jeans and t-shirts to knit into blankets and scarfs is a little redundant. What may be a better idea is curb-side pick-up of actual recyclables. Couldn't this community use the economic boost? Couldn't we begin a community recycling plant? How about some wind turbines of our own? God knows we have enough wind here! I don't understand why small communities aren't using 'green' systems now, when they can easily be started and grow slowly and stably with the community. I'd be willing to bet we could truck the 6 county recyclables here to sort and turn a profit. Or, we could get out the rotary cutting and have at it on our jeans!

Friday, April 30, 2010


Have you ever noticed that pay-day is the busiest day of the week? Groceries to buy, bills to pay, gas to pump. I end up spending at least an entire morning just running 'errands.' I noticed today while out doing the weekly errands that each place I went, I knew people. I ran into friends in every store I went in...friends that, though I may not hang out with, I still feel like I know. It was strange to realize how many faces I recognize and how many people I say HI to throughout the course of the day. When I feel like I am alone I need to bookmark this day and remind myself that there are people out there who know me and care about me. I have officially become LOCAL!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

What to Say?!?!?

I have so much on my mind lately that I can't seem to complete any thoughts...but, here goes: ICEE's are not a good alternative to Dr. Pepper. Turns out, when I was making my 'better' choice this afternoon to opt for a beverage other than the standard, I was WAY WRONG! Just so you know!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Bad Weather

Bad weather has put me in a bad mood. The sun is kinda shining, but the wind is blowing and the clouds are sprinkling. For two days now my daughter and I have had to stay inside for the most part and it is taking a toll in me. I need Kristin to have a nap everyday to that I can unwind for a minute and gear up for the evening. She doesn't have a nap if she doesn't play at the park for an hour or so in the morning and burn up all her energy. Her increased energy is truly draining me!!
I have been trying to figure out why I do things that make me uncomfortable, like go to play group regularly. I have come up with a very simple answer: it is better to try to be social and make friends and talk with other moms, than it is to sit home and hate. On a good day, I hate about half of what I do (laundry, cooking, cleaning, child-rearing responsibilities, husband-rearing responsibilities etc.) I do so many things because it is my job. Because Mom has to manage to keep it together otherwise, everything falls apart.
I have a good husband who is a good provider and does it willingly. He works 10+hours a day so that I can stay home with Kristin. He has such a good attitude about it too-for him, it is a pleasure to go to work. Not because of his job, but because he loves Kristin and I and our little family so much. He is living his dream of stable family life-a dream that, sadly, he hasn't lived before. I need to be more appreciative of him. As for me, I am not living my dream. I missed my chance to live a dream because I was too caught up in-overwhelming sadness. It is all in the attitude, as they say. I need to change my attitude and accept that this is my life, and maybe if I didn't hate so much, I might actually enjoy the hours at the park or the hours at home or the play group ladies and all of their drama. That is the thing isn't do I change my attitude? How do I disguise my distrust of the world, how do I get over regret and missed opportunities, how do I become the person I should be inside while making dinners and sitting at the park? I just want it all to go away. I want to start over, make better choices earlier in life. I want to enjoy this moment-because that is all I have.

Monday, April 19, 2010


I just posted this for sale on Classic Mormon saying for a girl like me, right!?!?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

600 Visits

Thank you everyone for visiting my BLOG! When we reach 1,000 visits all you faithful-and I know who most of you are- can get it on a drawing for table runners. (Any color suggestions or size specifics e-mail me!)

Thank you all for listening. I love and appreciate your time and patience for my insanity.

Sleeping on It

After sleeping on the progress I made with my Scrappy Fence yesterday, I realized that I don't want to make another table runner. In my home I only have one or two spots to put runners and I'm ready to move onto bigger things. I went back to the fabric pile and found more coordinating fabrics that will work with what I've started and I will be making a lap quilt instead of a runner.
This is all part of the process. It is the creative and problem-solving process that I love I love that I can come up with a solution to most fabric-related issues, I like the challenge of 'doing with what I have.' I like the simplicity of squares. The hum of the sewing machine has a calming effect on me...I need more clam in my life.
I need to find a way to calm my brain and tame my emotions and get over some things . Did you ever see the movie Dreamcatcher. The movie is based on a Stephen King novel. Anyway, the main character keeps all his memories in a circular storage warehouse. He envisions an actual warehouse where he can physically look at the pages of his life. He can file away new information and get rid of outdated thoughts. Wouldn't it be great if all our minds worked like that?!? I was told one time that all my baggage was neatly packed in purple suitcases ready to move with me. Maybe I should start thinking about renting a storage unit and unpack some emotional baggage so I don't have to carry it with me all the time. Maybe I should think about getting rid of some stuff-I don't think I need most of my 'bad childhood memories' file anymore. I wish...I wish I could throw all my luggage into a river and start a new life. Maybe reincarnation isn't such a bad idea after all-leave it to Stephen King to figure things out! (Oh yah, and all of the Buddists in the world)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

An Hour or So

Practice Layout
Actual Waste

Get a Trim

Strips of Scraps

In an hour or so, I am ready to sew the runner. It will have to wait for another day because nap time is almost over.

Scrappy Fences

I was looking through my fabric stash trying to figure out my next quilting project when I came across my scrap bag. There are scraps in that bag from recent quilts and from quilts that I did over a year ago. I saw a bunch that I think will make a good runner. Enclose are pics of the scrap bag and also what I think will go together.

Remember the Taco theory?!?! These left overs happened to be near each other in a bag..but they are all fabrics that I like and they all look good together. As a matter of fact, most of the quilts that I do start as strips and these are already pre-cut into 1 and 2 and 3 inch strips that will be perfect for Picket Fences!

Monday, April 12, 2010

More Purple Days

After much rearranging, I finally decided what pattern to put my quilt together with and put it together. Here are the pics!! I still have to put a back on it, but the top is now completed. I know the pics read blue, but this is really many, many shades of purple. Anyone up for tieing it with me, I have this one and two smaller ones in need of attention?!?

Thursday, April 8, 2010


The last couple of days my daughter has been very clingy. She wants to hold my hand all the time, she wants me to watch every move she makes, she wants me to snug her at night. This is new behavior for her. She has always been very independent and sure of herself. I can't help wondering if I have done something to change her independence? Most likely this is just a phase, but... Right this second, she is asleep on my lap. She didn't want to play in her room, she wanted to be right next to me on the computer, and then fell asleep snugging me. I can't remember the last time she fell asleep in my lap, it has probably been since the last time she was sick 2 or 3 months ago. Like I said, this is strange behavior.
In my meager experience, my kid grows and changes so fast that I am always playing catch-up. She turns corners so fast that sometimes I miss it. Donny and I were looking at old pictures of her the other day, and even since Christmas she has changed not only physically, but emotionally. Isn't it ironic that kids change without even thinking about it and adults mull over ever little thing and then don't change at all.
The difference is control. Kids only know change, they can't control it and are usually confident enough to roll with the punches. By the time we reach adulthood, we hold on tight to who we think we are and what we think we should be and don't allow ourselves the freedom to roll with the punches. I wish I could pinpoint that moment. The moment I decided who I was...the moment I decided to fight for small changes at the expense of the big changes.
"The idea is to become master, and in our old age do what children did when they new nothing." I don't remember who said that (or even if I quoted it correctly!) but, there is truth in the sentiment. Kids just naturally are masters of change and adults don't seem to allow themselves the same luxury-and we should!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Extra Blocks

Here are the pictures of the Runner I made with the extra blocks from the purple quilt I talked about in my last post! It is listed on under 3molivia!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Free Form

I practice what I like to call free-form quilting. I start with a stack of fabric and a vague idea of that I want to do. Usually a block or a procedure, like strip quilting, and then I let it rip. In no time, and with very little intense thought I have a stack of blocks. Sounds great, right? The problem lies in bulk. I have a hard time knowing when to stop. Today I was quilting and ended up with two styles with 5 blocks each, and 2 blocks that were totally different that I made from the left-overs. That just doesn't work. I forgot that I need to shoot for 'divisible by 3' when it comes to making blocks. Most quilts consist of either a 9 block or a 12 block final pattern. Just because I had 12 blocks does not a cohesive quilt make!
This evening when I went to my moms house-so she could fix what I had done-she reminded me of the 3 rule. Luckily, and as always, mom fixed my bo-bo and now I can make a runner and a generous lap quilt out of my 'free-forms' and not have any waste.
I love the process of free-form quilting. The quilt I'm making started with a trying a new blocks: nine block of picket fences, and a variation of scot's plaid. I was in the mood for purple and didn't have enough of anything that coordinated really well, so I used it all. That's right I threw caution the the wind and started cutting up all the purple I had, regardless of the shade! Turned out GREAT!! Purple goes with purple and that goes with purple-and a little bit of green for the floral. I'll post pics when I'm done.
Free-form quilting allows for tonz of creativity. If I run out of a fabric or get tired of a pattern, then I can change with no pressure. I like the subtle variations within the blocks, I think they are interesting. I know when I try to follow a pattern I get hung up on the details. I get lost in following directions and forget that this is supposed to be fun. I need to apply free-form to my life as well. I get caught up on dishes and dinners that I forget to have fun in life, forget that I have loving people around me to fix my bo-bo's and pull my life together in to one beautiful quilt.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Bright Sun Shiney Day

It is beautiful outside, finally! I played in the garden with Kristin yesterday. I got to watch as she sat in the raised bed and scooped dirt all over herself with her toy shovel. (It took two washes to get it all out of her hair.) I listened as she sang songs and told me about Grandpa's Garden and all of the things they will grow together. I caught her looking up at the sun and smiling! She picked a piece of scrub brush and called it a flower and smelled it, then gave it to me to 'keep forever.' She is such a warm and loving and intelligent little girl, sometimes I forget to be thankful for her. I am so thankful she is here. Motherhood can be almost unbearable for me, but it can also give me perspective and help me to breath and enjoy the little things of life-with her.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Airing of Grievances

Sometimes, when I feel like I do right now, I want to make a list of all of the grievances in my life. All of the times I've been let down or made to feel bad or left out. I want to make this list of everyone who had wronged me in life and why. I then want to blame each and every person for my own misfortune and unhappiness. After all, if I had been treated better, I wouldn't be this way now.
It is a nice concept, but the list of grievances would not fly. I know for every person who has wronged me, I have wronged two others. I am an admitted 'bad friend.' I forget birthdays and don't say 'Hi' in the store. I live in my own little world with a huge buffer zone around it. At one point in my life I was told I was a hard person to get to know. I have been called cold, strange and rigid. My favorite is prickly! My husband even used to call me Cybil. I am all of those things... I am also scared. Scared to put myself out there, even for a friend. Scared to get too close because someone might notice how crazy I am and call me on it. Scared to fail.
My fear keeps me at arms length to everyone-especially when I should step up-I step back. A good friend of mine has had sick kids in the hospital. I didn't do anything for her-no phone calls, no meals, no coke-break, no hugs. I hid in my world telling myself that there was really nothing that could be done. Telling myself that I need to stay away so my family doesn't get sick. Telling myself lies so that I didn't have to put my heart on the line. I don't know what I would do if those kids weren't okay. I am not strong enough to console a mother. I'm not strong enough to be there, to smile. I am really thankful that the kids are home now, and healthy. I don't know if I lost a good friend, because I am a bad friend-I hope not-only time will tell.

Friday, March 12, 2010

God vs. Satan

My friend Pat speaks in terms of God and Satan. Everything she does is either because God wanted her to, or Satan lured her into it. For example: the other day she said, "God must not have wanted me to go to the play, because I came down with a cold." In reality, she should have said, "I shouldn't have been outside without a coat in the wind yesterday, because I got a cold today." She took all responsibility and placed it on God. A while ago she said, "Satan must have really been on me because I wasn't able to clean my house and go to the gym." Really...I think it might be her poor time management skills, and the fact that she doesn't keep as clean of house as she thinks she does.
This kind of God/Satan thinking has allowed Pat to live in limbo. If she fails, if she succeeds it is all because of God. She doesn't have to live with consequences-good or bad- because her God/Satan is in control. I feel sorry for her...I know if I get my house cleaned and make it to the gym, I like to be proud of myself for my follow-through and planning. If I do something stupid-which I do alot!-I know I have to live with the outcome. I did it, it is my fault.
What I find most fascinating about this is Pat comes from a religious background where God gives FREE AGENCY, and expects you to use it! As an outsider, I think she is missing the point. To me, free agency means that I chose-not God.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


At playgroup today we were talking about another mom in the group who is finalizing adoption papers on the little boy she has had, from foster care, for a year. The ladies were saying how wonderful it was and yada, yada, yada. I mentioned that I have a couple of friends that are wanting to adopt, but they really only want a baby. Apparently I said something wrong because 4 grown women's mouths dropped open in astonishment when I suggested that adopting a slightly older child would be just as rewarding. They proceeded to tell me how they couldn't raise a child without hearing their first words or being there for their first steps. I think raising a child has more to do with the connection between parent and child and less to do with first steps...but, according to them, I am wrong.
I say all this as an outsider. I have never considered adoption because parenting is not something I ever really wanted to do. I have a daughter and I don't understand the need? to be a parent. I think if I really wanted to parent I would take what I can get, and not limit myself to a baby. If a 1 year old was available I would take it. Furthermore, I think parenting a child who may or may not have had a rough start, takes real commitment and a high caliber of person. I think adoptive parents are much needed and under appreciated!
Mostly, I am upset and saddened by these women in my group. I don't think like them on most things. When I do express a different opinion, I wish they wouldn't go out of their way to tell me how wrong I am. I wish these 'good christian (i.e. Mormon)' women would have a little more tolerance and love for others. It's not like I'm an axe murderer or have the plague, I am just a crazy (literally) woman who is trying to do the best I can for myself and my little family. It shouldn't be wrong to not love babies. I shouldn't be wrong to want something more in life than a small town and a husband that pays the bills. It shouldn't be wrong to have an opinion and express it-but apparently, it is.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tanking Tops

I would like to inform you all that as of yesterday, all tank tops that I wore during pregnancy and immediately afterward are now in the refuse bin along with my favorite pair of jeans, that were also thread bear, and had recently sprung a leak in the knee. Having freed my drawer -and mind- of this useless junk, I am now free to move onto the next 'most important' thing in my life currently-weekly trip to the library with Kristin.

Monday, March 8, 2010


Ever notice how we wear the same thing over and over and then shop to buy new clothes and walk out of the store looking exactly like we did when we walked in, only poorer? I know I do this. I wear "mom jeans' and scoop- or v-neck t-shirts that are long or short sleeve and in black, white or cream, maybe pink or pale blue if I'm feeling frisky. You could set your watch by the way my husband dresses; t-shirt in black or navy, maybe grey and jeans.
I know we do this and am trying to combat the problem of our favorites being worn out. I rotate things as I wash them. That's right, I lift up the stack of undies and put the newly cleaned ones on the bottom. I push over the hung clothes in the closet and put the fresh ones out of easy reach. I rotate my husbands and daughters clothes more often than I do my own, usually once or twice a month. The other day I was putting away tank tops in my drawer and found at the bottom of the pile were three or four that I wore while I was prego and then for jammers later. (My daughter is three!) These are the most thread bare, stained, sad little tank tops you have ever seen. I should throw them out, but they are full of memories. Stupid tank tops that have been replace 3x over and I can't get rid of them. They were the first clothes I bought when I started getting BIG. How stupid to hold onto such a meaningless trinket. I guess this is how we become hoarders...I had better go throw those tank tops out right now!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

37 cents

My husband has been sick for about a week now. He went to the doctor last week with a $20 co-pay . He was given some cough syrup and an inhaler the for a prescription cost of about $47. These didn't help and he was forced to go back to the doctor a few days later. Another $20 co-pay and finally some antibiotics. Thankfully, he is now starting to feel much better. When he picked up the pills from the pharmacy he was shocked to see a cost of 37 cents. Yep, 37 cents-car change really. So, we spent $40 and more than 2 hours at the doctors office, and nearly $50 on other medicine, to get a prescription for 37 cents! That is the most expensive car change we have ever spent.
This is what is wrong with the health care system. If doctors listened more closely to their patients, and understood that men, like my husband, only go to the doctor when they are really sick, and most likely in need of strong medicine, we wouldn't be out of pocket $100, time and insurance premiums. $100 goes a long way to a college fund for my daughter, a new car fund for me, spending at local businesses to boost the economy, a rainy day fund so that my family will have some security in the future...but no, we will spend that money month after month and year after year to get a prescription for 37 cents.

Monday, March 1, 2010


I was informed that I need to explain the 'Taco Principle.' So here goes! What do you love in a taco? At a taco bar each taco is different. 50 people at the same 15 item bar all make different combinations of the ingredients that add up to exactly what they each want to eat.
I use this principle in Design. I tell my clients to get a box or a bag (some kind of container i.e. shell) and start gathering all the things they love. A piece of string, a scrap of fabric, a single tile, a picture with a 'feel,' anything that they come across that speaks to them or their appetite. Once the pieces are gathered, and put together properly, they make one cohesive room or one really good taco!
I use the Taco Principle all the time. When I quilt, I pick fabrics that I love and eventually I gather enough to make a really cute table runner. In clothing, I buy separates that inevitably work to create outfits. In life, I keep the people around me that make me feel safe and whole. With Tacos and with Life, if you gather together what and who you love, everything will work in harmony and you will be filled!

Get It!

The older I get the less I get. I don't get gangs or racism. I don't understand how or why people make the choices they make in life, whether it is what house to buy or what car to buy or what clothes to put on their body-there are some freaks out there who express themselves with clothing. I don't get anything that happens in government-local, national or even international. I don't get mothers and their children. I don't know how mothers can not teach their kid something-like using scissors properly-because they should learn the 'right way' at school. I don't get how that kind of lazy, scared state qualifies as parenting.
I don't get why good intentions become bad ideas. I have a great many good intentions and inevitably they turn into bad ideas as they play out. For instance, running...good idea right? Until you get two miles in and you have to pee...and you have shin splints....sports bra that moves...kid screaming in the it is a bad idea!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Skipping Quilts

I just got done with a new black and white table runner. It is not what I envisioned, but it is growing on me. My mom helps talk me through the hard stuff, in life and in quilts! With her help, I finished this and uploaded it to
I think that is what I need most right now in life, someone to walk me through the hard stuff. For some reason, I get stuck-stuck life a CD the skips, playing the same 3 seconds over and over, making the same table runner over and over. Do you want to know something funny...I haven't made anything for my tables. I am stuck on table runners and have nothing to show for it. What strange irony in life?!

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I have spent the bulk of my time the last two weeks making quilt tops to sell. I made two table runners and put them on This is a big step for me. I made something and put it out there in the world-hopefully to sell. I realized some time ago, that I complain about my life, or my situation, or my lack of direction, but don't do anything to change where I am or where I'm going. Selling two simple quilted table runners is a small way to change my internal direction and this means putting myself out there to be judged. I am so insecure that I had to fight off a panic attack while I was listing my wares. Before I listed, I went through the steps in my head and made a solid plan so that I couldn't back out. Now that I am out there-I feel excited!! So much stress and anguish associated with such a simple act, but I did it. It may be a small step-but I have completed a project and placed it in the world to sink or swim!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Scraps of Paint

I tried to paint a picture yesterday while my daughter was having a nap. I learned that poster paint does not act the same way as really painters acrylic paint-I had better luck with the toll paint, in fact. If paint doesn't act the right way,it doesn't allow the feeling to come out. Needless to say, the painting in my head didn't come to fruition. I only get one go at things and I missed the window. It is so strange to me that I can see this painting so clearly one day and the next it is fading. The edges fuzz, the colors fade, the canvas gets soft...and it fades into abstract.
Sewing for me is more concrete. I can piece together a quilt in record time. There are definite steps in quilting. Cutting, block making, combine blocks, finish quilt. I love to see how a quilt develops. I kind of let the fabric speak to what I wants to be. I love going on the journey with the material. I love to see as scraps become strips and strips become panels and panels become finished and that can keep me warm. I know the proper way to quilt involves much measuring and planning, but I really like the idea of free-form quilting. I buy scraps of fabric, 1/4 yard or less at a time, just because they caught my eye as I walked by. Eventually I get enough to start cutting and creating. The colors usually mesh-it is the old 'Taco Principle.' Painting should be so easy.
I think painting frustrates me more than quilting, because I would really like to be a painter. I feel that anyone can learn to sew straight lines and created a quilt, but it takes a special talent to turn a white canvas into beauty. Maybe, my perspective just needs to change. Maybe I need to accept that painting may not be my thing, and possiblly quilting is?!?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Come to Jesus

I am on the verge of a 'come to Jesus moment.' I had one a few weeks ago, which you all were witness to, about my frustration with life. There is pain associated with life; pain associated with exposure of feelings and deeply held self-truths. The pain I felt after reading my inner critic was immense...I cried and stewed for days and days afterwards. Everything made me upset, my mind wouldn't stop racing, my body hurt with the pain of agony and the battling of wills. After the pain comes Jesus. When I couldn't do anymore, or be anymore or pretend anymore, all that is left is to give it up-come to Jesus and give it up. Give up the pain and the stigma and the worry and the hiding and finally accept that this is who I am and I AM DEPRESSED and that doesn't make me bad or lazy or stupid or less-just different.
I was always taught that Jesus would take away the burden of things, but never really believed it. Maybe I believe more in the idea of Jesus than the actual person, the idea of someone else taking care of me and making it okay to be me is a very warm thought. 'Coming to Jesus' is a last ditch effort to give up the battle and walk away from the war and accept that I am okay. I am now free to fight new battles and win new wars. I am on the verge of another 'come to Jesus' about my weight. If it is true that your 30's are the best years of your life, I am running full speed at best-ness. Two 'Jesus incidents' and I've only been 30 for 5 months...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Doctor

I've done it! This time I have a serious problem. How did I get here and what am I going to do next? Well...I have a crush... on Dr. Heinz Doofinsmirtz (Evil Inc.) from Phineas and Ferb. I know, I know, this just isn't right, but I am seriously overcome. Maybe it is that he is evil, or the fact that he sings a lot or maybe it is the thick German-esk accent. Whatever it is, I'm beat! Of all the cartoons to fall in love with-he had to be the one. He is a tortured soul with an ultimately good heart. We are kindred spirits...minus the being evil part!

Friday, February 5, 2010


My time is not my own. I spent time this morning cooking breakfast for everyone and cleaning it up. I spent 5 minutes in the shower, because we have problems with our hot water. I spent time today shopping for Valentine's Day stuff for my daughters preschool class. I spent time with my mom at lunch-thank you mom-which was interrupted by the plumber, the landlord and my husband, twice. Later, running errands was interrupted by Kristins need to have a nap. Now it is 3 pm and I have only accomplished a portion of what I wanted to do. I got way off track today. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode with the phone face-off?? I have a real life face-off everyday. Everyday I have to decide to do for my husband, do for my child, do for ...the plumber, and I miss out on doing for me.
In my next life, I want better time management skills and the ability to say no when I think no and yes when I think yes to other peoples requests of my valuable time. I sound very disingenuous, I think I am frustrated. I have a picture in my head of a painting I want to paint, and I know there is only a certain amount of time it will be available in my head until it is lost to the madness. Oh, for the days when I could just paint or draw or sew and not have to plan time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Other Air

I was reminded today that the things you despise most about others are the things you despise most about yourself. What is it I really can't stand in others? What do I look at and turn away in disgust? Many things I see that I hate and secretly want to have/be, for instance: Style. I saw a woman in the store today that was pretty with nice hair and perfect, subtle makeup and an attractive outfit with adorable shoes. I hated her instantly-more to the point-I wanted to be her instantly. She gave the air of 'success.' I want to have that. I think at one time in my life I was on my way to outwardly having that, but inside I was far removed from success. I think now, that if I had inward success then the outward wouldn't matter so much. Confidence, they say, comes from within.
There are those in my life who reek of...passion. Passion for life, passion for work, passion for learning, passion for others. My 3 year-old has a passion for life, for learning, for humor, for movement and activity. I hope that these traits offer her many opportunities throughout life. I hope that these innate traits she can carry into adulthood. (Inside I hope I don't do something to break her of passion-it is always the mothers fault-right?) I wonder what traits I showed early in life...I wonder why they have left me. Maybe I have just reached the 'quiet time' of my life, and now I need to learn to be.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day One

Today is my first day back as a full time Stay-At-Home-Mom. This was a very difficult day. I made a breakfast that burned. I had trouble with my daughter in the shower. I forgot to get money for preschool-until after class. When Kristin came home from preschool I made lunch that she decided would be better eaten off the carpet instead of the plate. Later, nap time was in the car from point A to point B-which means a grumpy little girl this evening. Some how during the course of the day, the floors got clean and a few loads of laundry were done. Dinner turned out, but I don't know how I managed to make such a mess. I guess this is life. It would have been easier to be at work today and only really have to deal with dinner and laundry and floors.
There is such pressure to be a SAHM. If my kid acts out in school-it is my problem-I spend everyday with her and should have corrected bad behavior. If my husband is hungry or unhappy-it is my problem-I should have made him a better lunch or massaged his feet when he got home. There are now an infinite number of things that I should be doing to make everything run perfectly and if I am home and things don't run perfectly-it is a reflection on me, and me alone.
It was different as a working mom. If laundry didn't get done daily-or semi-daily it was okay. If I was too tired (more likely out of ideas) for dinner, pizza was okay. If my kid only gets 5 hours one on one and not 10 it was okay because it was 'quality time.' TV cannot be a babysitter if I am here all day. My mind-set has to change. I now have no time to myself-no 10 minutes to think on the way to work. No distraction from all the things I am doing excuse.
I am determined (okay semi-determined) to do better at meal planning and housework and quality time with my kid. This time I am going into SAHM-hood knowing full well what I am getting myself into. I am determined to succeed. I now realize that my family depends on it.

About a Boy

"About a Boy" is one of my favorite movies of all time. I was listening to it as I cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor this morning. As I was working my thoughts were taken back to years ago when the movie first came out. I had a friend that would tell me that I was the crying, suicidal, hippie character. I would tell her that I was the pretty, artistic, 'with it,' character. I was in denial then of who I really was. I didn't recognize then, that I might have a problem; I just took the pills and kept my mouth shut. Now, I don't take the pills and am trying to work through my hippie, crying life.
Denial is a powerful thing. Denial has allowed me to avoid some pain, to avoid some heartache. Denial has allowed me to put blame elsewhere and not embrace the roll I have in my own life. How silly does that sound? I always knew I was different and blamed my circumstance or my socio-economic class for my issues. It is so much easier to be in denial, to place blame, than it is to take responsibility for myself. Looking back on my life I wonder when this started, when this denial became my coping mechanism. I think of myself as someone who deals head-on, but I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning that just because I am confrontational does not mean I have a healthy sense of myself.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Attempt #2

I am reading a book about writing a book. The book talks about free form writing: Just putting down what you think as you think it. If I hadn't been reading this book I wouldn't have made the last post, but it did seemed to clear my writers block. Perhaps I just needed to read what my negative voice was saying so I would better understand what to ignore.
There are so many names: down. moody. absent-minded. dysthymia. chronic clinical depression. These are some of the names of what I need to, and am trying to, ignore. Maybe if I read it, I can overcome it. I have obviously fallen off the 'up' wagon. My thoughts have gone back to being muddy and uncertain. My chin has dropped and the corners of my mouth have frozen. be normal. I don't know of many people who wake up one day and are cured, they seem to struggle with this for a lifetime. Normal people go through periods of depression-generally after a crisis. Others go through periods of uncertainty during major life changes. What about the ones, like me, who run for years on the low end of the mood spectrum? What about those who have done the work and can't snap out of it. History is full of very eccentric people who struggle with depression and they seem to die tragic deaths. I'm not afraid of dying tragically-I am more afraid of living tragically.

Writing Process

I have been thinking that something extraordinary would have to happen to me in order for me to really excel as a human; it is the old story of making the most of a bad situation. I hear about people who overcome something terrible-like loosing a leg-and then become a great athlete. In my life, I wonder if I have had those terrible things happen that would bring about greatness. Looking back-I probably have had enough terrible things like divorce, sick kid, mother with cancer, failure to launch after college... Terrible things do not equal greatness. Many people suffer a great tragedy and are worse for ware rather than better. why am I so naive. everybody knows this...why do I even try. No body reads this anyway. I don't have any insight. I am not interesting. I will be a sad, pathetic, fat girl the rest of my life. I am a bad mother and an even worse wife. I can't write. I don't have any hobbies. I am not great at anything including being a friend/lover/mother. I can't get my life straight. I will never be able to make what I think into what I see. That guy had a cute butt. Guess I'll go eat worms.

And thus concludes attempt #1 to write something today.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Be Still

My home at night is the most comforting place to be. My daughter is finally still, my husband is usually still at work and I am left alone. I listen the hum of the dryer as it cycles through the last load of the day. I listened as the dish washer steams and sprays away the terrible dinner I made. There is such a sense of accomplishment in the knowledge that some things in my life are clean and completed. I find great peace listening to the night sounds alone in the dark. In my busy life there are so few moments of peace. There is always something to clean, something to cook, something to buy, or love, or fix... I find very little time to be still. There is great power in stillness. As a child, I had a poster with a girl in a field of pale flowers, it said, "Stand still and consider the wonderous works of God." The key is to stand STILL. The white noise of the dryer is the ideal time for me to be STILL and consider... Consider the future, consider the past, consider, or rather remember, how it feels to be a little girl chasing white butterflies in a field of alfalfa. With the sun on my face and not a care in the world, I lived. I was that little girl living that beautiful moment; loving the stillness of the plants and the quiet of the butterflies. Never once considering that one day, my beautiful moment would be a dryer, late at night, alone in the dark.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Reoccurring Dream

I have several reoccurring dreams. I have a dream about a shopping mall right off the freeway. I could tell you what every store sells, where each shop is in the mall. What the Christmas decorations look like compared to the spring decorations. I have been dreaming about this particular mall for probably 2 years. I have variations of the dream of course, such as a driving dream that takes me to the mall in traffic. A while ago, I had a dream about running up the hill to the mall through the field. The field was snow covered and muddy and I was being chased. I have dreamed about being turned away for a movie there, at the theatre that is located in the middle of the lowest level.
A long time ago I had a friend with an interesting theory of dreams. She asked me if I was the hero or the victim. Hero or Victim? When you distill it down to only those two options, I would have to say that I am the Victim. The victim being chased, the victim who can't drive, the victim that can't find clothes that fit-even in my dreams. I hope it is not a reflection on the way I live my life. I am a take-charge person; maybe I just think I am, maybe I aspire to be, or remember myself being in a life lived long ago. For now, in my dreams I have the comfort of familiarity even if that comes with being the victim.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Expertise is earned; through teaching and trial and error. People think that just because they have a camera they are a photographer. Just because they have a pencil and a piece of paper they are an artist. Just because they have a collection of recipes and pots they are a chef. People think a lot of themselves. I think it is all part of the front people put on-all part of the story we tell ourselves and others to make us feel better. The line in the sand between an expert and someone who can read and/or follow directions is humility. I think that true artists and chefs and photographers know that there are many things about their craft that they don't know. The more we learn, the more we learn there is more to learn. I personally used to be an Interior Designer. I have a B.S. Degree and a 5+ year career history. (Not bad in that I am only 30!) I have been out of the game raising my daughter and now I see how much I need to learn to get back into the game. I am aware that, in my field of expertise, everyone can DIY. DIY doesn't take into consideration the person, the long-term livability of a space-doesn't take into consideration the principals of design that make great Interior Design pop. DIY, in all fields, gives people a false sense of accomplishment. Without training and experience all we have is 'first time lucky.'

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


The Robins are still here. They usually fly somewhere warmer for the winter, but this year they stayed. I wonder if they know something we don't. The other day Kristin and I watched them fly around and flutter from branch to naked branch playing as they do. One stopped, perched itself and stared at us. He seemed to be as fascinated with us as we were of him. What does the Robin think??? I could no sooner guess that, then guess what strangers in the store are thinking. I never really know with people; I wonder if they stare at me and laugh on the inside, or feel sorry for me, or look up to me. I wonder how much of what I see in other people is just a front. I wonder if people are just as scared and insecure as I am, but are better at camouflaging it. I have learned to not take people at face value, but sometimes, when I peel away the layers, they are less likable. What then?? I don't think the Robin was putting on a face. I think he was genuinely curious about the strangers behind the glass. I wish I could feel the same honesty from the strangers in my world.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Today is the kind of day that my proverbial lotto winnings would be taking me to someplace warm. It doesn't need to be exotic, but sun would definitely be involved. When I was in college, I spent many a weekend in St. George escaping from the bitter cold and mounds of snow in Cedar City. That is the kind of escape I am wanting now. Sunshine, shopping, good food, a little relaxation. There is something about the sun shinning that makes everything seem alright. Feeling the sun on my back as I garden outside is God touching me and telling me I'm okay. The absence of sun does nothing more than spiral me into my own personal darkness. Today I wonder if indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder if my decision to quit working was right. I wonder if any decision I ever made was right... I want to find the warmth in life. Neither light nor dark, but warm and welcoming. There are days when I am okay, when the sun shines and all is right in my world, but I don't know how to hang onto them. I don't know how to capture the warmth and make it last. Lotto winning and a margarita sound like good bet though!

Friday, January 15, 2010


I have had a job for about 5 months after not having a job for 3+ years. It has been good. I have a simple job with great people to work with and nice students who keep me wondering about the future of society. I will be quitting my job in the next couple of weeks. I am so looking forward to life with my daughter. Playgroup and swimming lessons and craft time at home.
Before I got a job, all I wanted was to go back to work. I felt as though I was missing something in my life. Before I had my daughter, my whole sense of self centered around my career and lacking a career, I felt I was nothing. Motherhood, especially in the hard first 2 years, was not fulfilling to me. It was a series of fumblings and failings sprinkled with the occasional light moment. It was the hardest, physically and emotionally, 2 years of my life. It is time I cherish, but do not wish to re-live. I don't know if it is because my daughter is older or if it is because I am, but I want to be a mother now. I want to see her explore the world. I want to help her develop a great sense of self that is not based on what she does, rather, who she is. I am keenly aware that I must continue to develop me, and not base me on her. Mother is not all I am. It is not all I do, it just is just one strand of the dandelion seed head that I call my life.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Movie Lines

I speak in movie lines. I get on these kicks where almost all I say, was said in a movie. I say lines from movies I don't even like. I have the visual in my head of the movie, while I say the line. These are strange times where pop culture and TV/Movies have crept into my psyche. Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind. After most of the books are burned, book-keepers emerge. The book-keepers can show the way to a new world order based on the classics. Memorization of beautiful books to pass on the essence of humanity to a new generation. I used to want to be the keeper of the Tao of Pooh. I don't know what book I would be the keeper of now... I wonder if we would recite books by the fire or if we have been reduced to reciting Movies by the fire. Maybe we will have a keeper of modern classics like Princess Bride and Young Frankenstein and What about BOB? Aren't these all rhetoric on current-ish history??? Aren't these, in some way, the essence of our society that we will pass on to our children?
For now, I just enjoy watching movies.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The bottom

For almost 4 months now, I have felt okay with my life. This is a new record for me. (A sad, pathetic record, but still the longest I've ever gone being mostly 'up') That said, I am waiting for the bottom to drop out. I am waiting for some catastrophe to hit that will propel me back to my comfort zone in the bottomless pit of despair. Looking at the world without tear-filled eyes is much clearer, much more calm and beautiful. It is so sad for me to look back on my life and see all of my mistakes, to see all of the opportunities I have wasted. I have very clear memories of sadness. Sadness overcomes me even when I should be just the opposite.
I remember my wedding day. Sitting in front of the mirror with perfect hair and perfect make-up, feeling more beautiful than I ever thought I could...wanting to run away. I kept thinking of ways to get out of the mess that I started. I wanted to get in the car and drive away-drive until the car ran out of gas and pretend this never happened. I could feel the storm coming and I walked into it. My mother even asked me if I wanted to go through with it...I said yes. I lied. 15 months later when I was divorced I wish I could have just ran away.
I remember rocking my 4 day-old baby and sobbing, trying to apologize to her for making her born 'broken.' She had a heart defect that she later grew out of, but the guilt of having a 'perfect baby' be born 'not perfect' was almost unbearable to me. I felt as though I had done something wrong and my poor child was going to have to live with my mistake.
For the first time-since I left for college at 17, I am truly hopeful for the future. I want to take the opportunities, I want to embrace the light and not the sadness. I want to learn the permanent changes to make in my life so that I can achieve greatness, so that I can live happily ever after.

Monday, January 11, 2010


I do alot of sitting. I sit at work. I sit at home in the evening in front of the TV. On weekends, I sit for two days straight, except for the weekly Walmart trip. I get very stir crazy just sitting all the time. I feel like such a useless person when I sit. The problem with sitting, is that once I'm firmly planted I have trouble getting motivated enough to get up and do something. All weekend, I should be doing laundry, deep cleaning my house, mending clothes, organizing junk drawers...anything to keep busy, but I just sit. I watch crap TV and eat whatever is in the house. By the time the weekend is over I am depressed and have gained two pounds. Then, during the week, I have to work extra hard to get caught up on all the stuff I didn't get done on the weekend. I know this is my pattern...I watch it play out week after long week and I am powerless to change it.
I think that here in rural Utah, there are not many places to go locally in the winter. I don't want to go outside when it is 14 degrees. There are few indoor 'activity' venues. I can only walk around K-mart and Walmart so many times. There are No arcades here, No malls, No art museums, No factories to take tours of, No bowling alley's (okay, so there is a bowling alley here, straight from 1965) No indoor rock climbing gyms, No kids play land, No Movie theatre where you can see more than 2 movies in a day, No new restaurants to try out, No BINGO.
The benefits of a small town far out weigh the negatives, but when it is cold outside and I feel trapped inside I wish I had picked a different place to live.

Friday, January 8, 2010


My father is my favorite photographer, ever. He finds a way to put feelings into pictures. He can take a snapshot of something like, a tree, and make me wonder how something so beautiful can exist in such a hard world. Not all photographers can capture the essence of world. My father can distill the essence and make it tangible.


'Tis the season for making New Year's Resolutions. I usually make them. I even keep one or two a year for 4-6 months. I have always been very goal oriented and so far in life, it has worked pretty well for me.
This year I struggled to make resolutions. I honestly couldn't come up with anything. I should make the normal ones of loose weight, eat better, take care of everything, be perfect... I am just not in that frame of mind this year. So, I decided to just be. I have no goals, nothing that I HAVE to do. I have no where to go and no one to disappoint. There is a freedom in being goal-less. Suddenly there is no reason to be disappointed in myself. I understand now how people can just BE. I understand that there is a lot of freedom in just BE-ing. I am okay in my current existence. I may even be on my way to actually living, 'BE HERE NOW!' not just talking about it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Everything comes in its own time, so they say. In my life there is a time window. There is a certain period of time to accomplish any given task. Last night, I missed the window of time to go to sleep. I stayed up late talking to my husband and watching crappy DVR instead of laying my head down and sleeping. Once the window was passed, I was up all night. I took a shower at 3am hoping that it would relax me enough to sneak in 2 or 3 hours of sleep before the alarm-it didn't help, the window was closed.
So it is with all things in my life. The problem with the time window is that I don't recognize that it is closing until it is too late. By the time I get it, I've missed it. There is a certain amount of poetry in this life accompanied by irony and regret.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I smiled today. I smiled for no other reason but sheer contentment with life. This doesn't happen to me much. I was overcome with...peace. For one brief second everything was alright-I was alright. This may be the first time in years that I felt such a feeling. I spent years alone, very painfully alone. The emptiness inside is a feeling I am acquainted with. The pit of despair that overtakes every aspect of life, that overtakes the very will to live-this is a feeling I am accustomed to-not joy, certainly not true contentment.
When I realized I was smiling, I was shocked, embarrassed even. Suddenly...I get it. I get the 'high' that people search for. I want that feeling back. I want that feeling all the time. I want to live as many years with joy as I did in despair. I want my daughter to only know joy. I want to become a 'doe-eyed optimist.' I want to feel peace and security forever. I want this more than any lotto prize, more than any other thing. I know it doesn't work that way. If I struggle...I learn. If I learn...I grow. If I grow...I gain perspective. The cycle of life continues. But for one fleeting moment-I smiled!

The Internet

I have a job with lots of spare time and not much to do sitting in front of a computer. I am now a Master at the Art of Time Suckage. It turns out that I have read about everything online. I know current events. I have caught up on celebrity gossip. I started to blog. I am active on Facebook. I have watched all the episodes I missed of Fringe and Hoarders. I am now a functioning member of e-society. With that goal accomplished, I have moved onto tutorials of CAD 2009 and Photoshop. Even those don't maintain my interest for more than an hour or so at a time. I have reached my computer literacy breaking point. The next step scrapbooking. This, for me, is a new low. If you digitally scrapbook I apologize for my callousness, these are new waters for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dr. Pepper Throwback

Dr. Pepper has been a friend of mine since high school. I have spent more time thinking about Dr. Pepper and more money buying Dr. Pepper than any other one thing in life, hands down. I have built relationships on the fact that we both drank Dr. Pepper. I know all of the best places to get my fix and which places not to get it. I will drive across town for the good stuff-with a screaming kid in the car. I will boycott food establishments because they do not carry Dr. Pepper or its lacking cousin Mr. Pibb. I will spend my last dollar on a fix instead of food-every time. (I know I have a 'problem' I just don't care!) Dr. Pepper Throwback is in stores now. It is made with sugar instead of the corn syrup stuff. It is the best thing-maybe ever!!! I am in love once more, life can continue!