Monday, June 7, 2010

12 Steps

I need a 12 step program for a Total Personality Makeover. I need someone to coach me through making and keeping friends, becoming confident in social situations and navigating my way through crowds. Some people are born social butterflies, I was born a longing wall flower. My whole life I have wondered why people don't like me. I have always wondered why I'm the last one picked for the team or un-vitied to parties. I feel like I'm 12 years old and the room makes a unanimous groan as I approach night games. I try to ignore the whispers of, "who invited her?" and "she is gonna ruin the game." I wish I could just wear a sign that says, 'I am more afraid of you than you are of me.' or maybe, 'treat me gently-emotionally unstable!'
Some things never change. I still don't understand....I don't understand anything. I look at happy people with good lives and wonder what I did wrong. I wonder why, at 30, I don't know any more about human behavior than I did at 12. I wonder if I can tease death into ending my suffering. I know I'm supposed to say that I love my family and this too shall pass, and nothing could be that bad, but I'm so tired of all the bull shit. I'm tired of putting on the face and trying to make it work. If I can't talk to ladies that I have know for 2 or 3 years about anything other than the weather and then go home and have a panic attack about it, maybe I should stop pretending. I know they say that a little girl needs her mother, but I really don't have anything to teach her. All I know is book smarts and in the grand scheme of things, that means I know precious little about anything. She could learn what she needs to know at any day care in the country.
My husbands reminds me that I'm a bitch. He's right. I'm a bitch as a defense...anymore I don't seem to have to presence of mind to even be a bitch. For the most part I just keep it all to myself. I'm sure I'll let it all out inappropriately, but it's to be expected right, I'm the bitch. I'm so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of making mistakes. Tired of parenting. Tired of all of it. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Today. Today I know why I spent those years friendless and alone. Because I chose the easy road. I chose to be alone rather than to disappoint or not quite fit or say something stupid and be the bitch. I chose to stay home instead of run into that brick wall one more time. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't want so badly to be part of a group and suck so badly at participation. 12 steps would be nice. Then I will know where to go and what to do and when to pat myself on the back because I accomplished a task. I'm sure Dr. Phil wrote a book about my problem and I read it already, and it didn't help. I'm so tired...I can't post this. Luckily only 3 people read this drivel and they all have lives they are living successfully without all this head-drama. You should all count yourselves as lucky because this is what 'worse' looks like.


  1. you have no idea how much i can relate. anxiety rules my life.

  2. Can I be honest? This post makes me angry. See, there is this person that I care deeply for, I love her. I call her friend, I call her sister (which is precious to me!). I can go for a 2.75 mile walk with her and not have one lull in the conversation. I can tell her my feelings and not feel any judgment from her. I can see what an amazing person SHE is. Yes she is a mother (and a damn good one), and yes she is a wife (a very faithful one), but she is so much more than that. What makes her great is not that she is a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and sister. What makes her great is what is INSIDE her! And I wish she saw it. I wish that she could see what I see. Because if she would look throuh my eyes, she would see a (dare I say it) beautiful, STRONG, determined, wilful, powerful, and good person. She has so much to give and to live for, not just to her family, but for herself!! It makes me angry that others have treated her so that she wants to hide. It makes me angry that others have told her and that she thinks she is a bitch - cause she is NOT!! Yes, she is determined,and determined can come across as a bitch, but it's NOT the same thing. So all you people who are treating my dear friend poorly, BACK OFF!!

    And to my dear friend, treat yourself like a queen and others will too. The first step to getting out of that yucky hole you're in, is to say "I'm worth it. I deserve to be happy" and if you don't really believe that, then lie to yourself. Lie until it becomes truth. After all, that is how we learn all those other kinds of realities. One of mine "I'm fat so no one likes me" - not true. I thought for so long that it was. Why? Because I told myself that long enough until it became reality. So lie to yourself, ACT as if that statement is true, and soon, it will be true. And then something cool happens, people start to feel that about you, and you start to rub off on them, and soon - they start thinking they have worth. And you start impacting their lives. There you go, two steps for your journey. Lie to yourself and act on that lie.

    I'll give you 10 more if you want, but you have to want it. And to promise to do them. Let me know if you do.

    I LOVE YOU for who you are on the inside. You are of great worth, and make a difference in my life. Thank you for being my friend& sister, for loving me, and for excusing my faults. I hope and pray that others will offer you the same courtsey!!!

  3. I thought about you all day today. I hope you're okay. I needed to retract something I said yesterday. I said that your post made me angry. It wasn't your post that made me angry - it was that people have treated you in a way that you would feel bad about yourself. I think your post was heartfelt, and real, and that is good.