I need a 12 step program for a Total Personality Makeover. I need someone to coach me through making and keeping friends, becoming confident in social situations and navigating my way through crowds. Some people are born social butterflies, I was born a longing wall flower. My whole life I have wondered why people don't like me. I have always wondered why I'm the last one picked for the team or un-vitied to parties. I feel like I'm 12 years old and the room makes a unanimous groan as I approach night games. I try to ignore the whispers of, "who invited her?" and "she is gonna ruin the game." I wish I could just wear a sign that says, 'I am more afraid of you than you are of me.' or maybe, 'treat me gently-emotionally unstable!'
Some things never change. I still don't understand....I don't understand anything. I look at happy people with good lives and wonder what I did wrong. I wonder why, at 30, I don't know any more about human behavior than I did at 12. I wonder if I can tease death into ending my suffering. I know I'm supposed to say that I love my family and this too shall pass, and nothing could be that bad, but I'm so tired of all the bull shit. I'm tired of putting on the face and trying to make it work. If I can't talk to ladies that I have know for 2 or 3 years about anything other than the weather and then go home and have a panic attack about it, maybe I should stop pretending. I know they say that a little girl needs her mother, but I really don't have anything to teach her. All I know is book smarts and in the grand scheme of things, that means I know precious little about anything. She could learn what she needs to know at any day care in the country.
My husbands reminds me that I'm a bitch. He's right. I'm a bitch as a defense...anymore I don't seem to have to presence of mind to even be a bitch. For the most part I just keep it all to myself. I'm sure I'll let it all out inappropriately, but it's to be expected right, I'm the bitch. I'm so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of making mistakes. Tired of parenting. Tired of all of it. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Today. Today I know why I spent those years friendless and alone. Because I chose the easy road. I chose to be alone rather than to disappoint or not quite fit or say something stupid and be the bitch. I chose to stay home instead of run into that brick wall one more time. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't want so badly to be part of a group and suck so badly at participation. 12 steps would be nice. Then I will know where to go and what to do and when to pat myself on the back because I accomplished a task. I'm sure Dr. Phil wrote a book about my problem and I read it already, and it didn't help. I'm so tired...I can't post this. Luckily only 3 people read this drivel and they all have lives they are living successfully without all this head-drama. You should all count yourselves as lucky because this is what 'worse' looks like.