Sometimes, when I feel like I do right now, I want to make a list of all of the grievances in my life. All of the times I've been let down or made to feel bad or left out. I want to make this list of everyone who had wronged me in life and why. I then want to blame each and every person for my own misfortune and unhappiness. After all, if I had been treated better, I wouldn't be this way now.
It is a nice concept, but the list of grievances would not fly. I know for every person who has wronged me, I have wronged two others. I am an admitted 'bad friend.' I forget birthdays and don't say 'Hi' in the store. I live in my own little world with a huge buffer zone around it. At one point in my life I was told I was a hard person to get to know. I have been called cold, strange and rigid. My favorite is prickly! My husband even used to call me Cybil. I am all of those things... I am also scared. Scared to put myself out there, even for a friend. Scared to get too close because someone might notice how crazy I am and call me on it. Scared to fail.
My fear keeps me at arms length to everyone-especially when I should step up-I step back. A good friend of mine has had sick kids in the hospital. I didn't do anything for her-no phone calls, no meals, no coke-break, no hugs. I hid in my world telling myself that there was really nothing that could be done. Telling myself that I need to stay away so my family doesn't get sick. Telling myself lies so that I didn't have to put my heart on the line. I don't know what I would do if those kids weren't okay. I am not strong enough to console a mother. I'm not strong enough to be there, to smile. I am really thankful that the kids are home now, and healthy. I don't know if I lost a good friend, because I am a bad friend-I hope not-only time will tell.