Bright Sun Shiney Day

It is beautiful outside, finally! I played in the garden with Kristin yesterday. I got to watch as she sat in the raised bed and scooped dirt all over herself with her toy shovel. (It took two washes to get it all out of her hair.) I listened as she sang songs and told me about Grandpa's Garden and all of the things they will grow together. I caught her looking up at the sun and smiling! She picked a piece of scrub brush and called it a flower and smelled it, then gave it to me to 'keep forever.' She is such a warm and loving and intelligent little girl, sometimes I forget to be thankful for her. I am so thankful she is here. Motherhood can be almost unbearable for me, but it can also give me perspective and help me to breath and enjoy the little things of life-with her.

Airing of Grievances

Sometimes, when I feel like I do right now, I want to make a list of all of the grievances in my life. All of the times I've been let down or made to feel bad or left out. I want to make this list of everyone who had wronged me in life and why. I then want to blame each and every person for my own misfortune and unhappiness. After all, if I had been treated better, I wouldn't be this way now.
It is a nice concept, but the list of grievances would not fly. I know for every person who has wronged me, I have wronged two others. I am an admitted 'bad friend.' I forget birthdays and don't say 'Hi' in the store. I live in my own little world with a huge buffer zone around it. At one point in my life I was told I was a hard person to get to know. I have been called cold, strange and rigid. My favorite is prickly! My husband even used to call me Cybil. I am all of those things... I am also scared. Scared to put myself out there, even for a friend. Scared to get too close because someone might notice how crazy I am and call me on it. Scared to fail.
My fear keeps me at arms length to everyone-especially when I should step up-I step back. A good friend of mine has had sick kids in the hospital. I didn't do anything for her-no phone calls, no meals, no coke-break, no hugs. I hid in my world telling myself that there was really nothing that could be done. Telling myself that I need to stay away so my family doesn't get sick. Telling myself lies so that I didn't have to put my heart on the line. I don't know what I would do if those kids weren't okay. I am not strong enough to console a mother. I'm not strong enough to be there, to smile. I am really thankful that the kids are home now, and healthy. I don't know if I lost a good friend, because I am a bad friend-I hope not-only time will tell.

God vs. Satan

My friend Pat speaks in terms of God and Satan. Everything she does is either because God wanted her to, or Satan lured her into it. For example: the other day she said, "God must not have wanted me to go to the play, because I came down with a cold." In reality, she should have said, "I shouldn't have been outside without a coat in the wind yesterday, because I got a cold today." She took all responsibility and placed it on God. A while ago she said, "Satan must have really been on me because I wasn't able to clean my house and go to the gym." Really...I think it might be her poor time management skills, and the fact that she doesn't keep as clean of house as she thinks she does.
This kind of God/Satan thinking has allowed Pat to live in limbo. If she fails, if she succeeds it is all because of God. She doesn't have to live with consequences-good or bad- because her God/Satan is in control. I feel sorry for her...I know if I get my house cleaned and make it to the gym, I like to be proud of myself for my follow-through and planning. If I do something stupid-which I do alot!-I know I have to live with the outcome. I did it, it is my fault.
What I find most fascinating about this is Pat comes from a religious background where God gives FREE AGENCY, and expects you to use it! As an outsider, I think she is missing the point. To me, free agency means that I chose-not God.

Children

At playgroup today we were talking about another mom in the group who is finalizing adoption papers on the little boy she has had, from foster care, for a year. The ladies were saying how wonderful it was and yada, yada, yada. I mentioned that I have a couple of friends that are wanting to adopt, but they really only want a baby. Apparently I said something wrong because 4 grown women's mouths dropped open in astonishment when I suggested that adopting a slightly older child would be just as rewarding. They proceeded to tell me how they couldn't raise a child without hearing their first words or being there for their first steps. I think raising a child has more to do with the connection between parent and child and less to do with first steps...but, according to them, I am wrong.
I say all this as an outsider. I have never considered adoption because parenting is not something I ever really wanted to do. I have a daughter and I don't understand the need? to be a parent. I think if I really wanted to parent I would take what I can get, and not limit myself to a baby. If a 1 year old was available I would take it. Furthermore, I think parenting a child who may or may not have had a rough start, takes real commitment and a high caliber of person. I think adoptive parents are much needed and under appreciated!
Mostly, I am upset and saddened by these women in my group. I don't think like them on most things. When I do express a different opinion, I wish they wouldn't go out of their way to tell me how wrong I am. I wish these 'good christian (i.e. Mormon)' women would have a little more tolerance and love for others. It's not like I'm an axe murderer or have the plague, I am just a crazy (literally) woman who is trying to do the best I can for myself and my little family. It shouldn't be wrong to not love babies. I shouldn't be wrong to want something more in life than a small town and a husband that pays the bills. It shouldn't be wrong to have an opinion and express it-but apparently, it is.

Tanking Tops

I would like to inform you all that as of yesterday, all tank tops that I wore during pregnancy and immediately afterward are now in the refuse bin along with my favorite pair of jeans, that were also thread bear, and had recently sprung a leak in the knee. Having freed my drawer -and mind- of this useless junk, I am now free to move onto the next 'most important' thing in my life currently-weekly trip to the library with Kristin.

Rotation

Ever notice how we wear the same thing over and over and then shop to buy new clothes and walk out of the store looking exactly like we did when we walked in, only poorer? I know I do this. I wear "mom jeans' and scoop- or v-neck t-shirts that are long or short sleeve and in black, white or cream, maybe pink or pale blue if I'm feeling frisky. You could set your watch by the way my husband dresses; t-shirt in black or navy, maybe grey and jeans.
I know we do this and am trying to combat the problem of our favorites being worn out. I rotate things as I wash them. That's right, I lift up the stack of undies and put the newly cleaned ones on the bottom. I push over the hung clothes in the closet and put the fresh ones out of easy reach. I rotate my husbands and daughters clothes more often than I do my own, usually once or twice a month. The other day I was putting away tank tops in my drawer and found at the bottom of the pile were three or four that I wore while I was prego and then for jammers later. (My daughter is three!) These are the most thread bare, stained, sad little tank tops you have ever seen. I should throw them out, but they are full of memories. Stupid tank tops that have been replace 3x over and I can't get rid of them. They were the first clothes I bought when I started getting BIG. How stupid to hold onto such a meaningless trinket. I guess this is how we become hoarders...I had better go throw those tank tops out right now!!

37 cents

My husband has been sick for about a week now. He went to the doctor last week with a $20 co-pay . He was given some cough syrup and an inhaler the for a prescription cost of about $47. These didn't help and he was forced to go back to the doctor a few days later. Another $20 co-pay and finally some antibiotics. Thankfully, he is now starting to feel much better. When he picked up the pills from the pharmacy he was shocked to see a cost of 37 cents. Yep, 37 cents-car change really. So, we spent $40 and more than 2 hours at the doctors office, and nearly $50 on other medicine, to get a prescription for 37 cents! That is the most expensive car change we have ever spent.
This is what is wrong with the health care system. If doctors listened more closely to their patients, and understood that men, like my husband, only go to the doctor when they are really sick, and most likely in need of strong medicine, we wouldn't be out of pocket $100, time and insurance premiums. $100 goes a long way to a college fund for my daughter, a new car fund for me, spending at local businesses to boost the economy, a rainy day fund so that my family will have some security in the future...but no, we will spend that money month after month and year after year to get a prescription for 37 cents.

Taco

I was informed that I need to explain the 'Taco Principle.' So here goes! What do you love in a taco? At a taco bar each taco is different. 50 people at the same 15 item bar all make different combinations of the ingredients that add up to exactly what they each want to eat.
I use this principle in Design. I tell my clients to get a box or a bag (some kind of container i.e. shell) and start gathering all the things they love. A piece of string, a scrap of fabric, a single tile, a picture with a 'feel,' anything that they come across that speaks to them or their appetite. Once the pieces are gathered, and put together properly, they make one cohesive room or one really good taco!
I use the Taco Principle all the time. When I quilt, I pick fabrics that I love and eventually I gather enough to make a really cute table runner. In clothing, I buy separates that inevitably work to create outfits. In life, I keep the people around me that make me feel safe and whole. With Tacos and with Life, if you gather together what and who you love, everything will work in harmony and you will be filled!

Get It!

The older I get the less I get. I don't get gangs or racism. I don't understand how or why people make the choices they make in life, whether it is what house to buy or what car to buy or what clothes to put on their body-there are some freaks out there who express themselves with clothing. I don't get anything that happens in government-local, national or even international. I don't get mothers and their children. I don't know how mothers can not teach their kid something-like using scissors properly-because they should learn the 'right way' at school. I don't get how that kind of lazy, scared state qualifies as parenting.
I don't get why good intentions become bad ideas. I have a great many good intentions and inevitably they turn into bad ideas as they play out. For instance, running...good idea right? Until you get two miles in and you have to pee...and you have shin splints....sports bra that moves...kid screaming in the stroller...now it is a bad idea!