Bad weather has put me in a bad mood. The sun is kinda shining, but the wind is blowing and the clouds are sprinkling. For two days now my daughter and I have had to stay inside for the most part and it is taking a toll in me. I need Kristin to have a nap everyday to that I can unwind for a minute and gear up for the evening. She doesn't have a nap if she doesn't play at the park for an hour or so in the morning and burn up all her energy. Her increased energy is truly draining me!!
I have been trying to figure out why I do things that make me uncomfortable, like go to play group regularly. I have come up with a very simple answer: it is better to try to be social and make friends and talk with other moms, than it is to sit home and hate. On a good day, I hate about half of what I do (laundry, cooking, cleaning, child-rearing responsibilities, husband-rearing responsibilities etc.) I do so many things because it is my job. Because Mom has to manage to keep it together otherwise, everything falls apart.
I have a good husband who is a good provider and does it willingly. He works 10+hours a day so that I can stay home with Kristin. He has such a good attitude about it too-for him, it is a pleasure to go to work. Not because of his job, but because he loves Kristin and I and our little family so much. He is living his dream of stable family life-a dream that, sadly, he hasn't lived before. I need to be more appreciative of him. As for me, I am not living my dream. I missed my chance to live a dream because I was too caught up in-overwhelming sadness. It is all in the attitude, as they say. I need to change my attitude and accept that this is my life, and maybe if I didn't hate so much, I might actually enjoy the hours at the park or the hours at home or the play group ladies and all of their drama. That is the thing isn't it...how do I change my attitude? How do I disguise my distrust of the world, how do I get over regret and missed opportunities, how do I become the person I should be inside while making dinners and sitting at the park? I just want it all to go away. I want to start over, make better choices earlier in life. I want to enjoy this moment-because that is all I have.