Monday, May 31, 2010


You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. Cat-lovers have scratches. Hard workers have calluses. High-maintenance people has manicures....the rest of us just have hands. My hands have started to age. No longer do I have elegant long fingers and neatly long-trimmed nails with strong, square palms. they are sun-damaged and freckly. They have broken or chipped nails and ragged cuticle. They have lost the long elegance of yester year and are rapidly becoming just big and well-used and old. I wonder why this happens. I wonder why one day I woke up and noticed the subtle differences. I think, maybe, all things in life work this way. Everything seemed fine and I enjoyed the beauty of my hands and the detail that I could get my fingers to accomplish, but now, it's different. My eyes can't see the detail like they used to and my fingers seem to clumsily accomplish tasks. I feel I have missed something...some life I should have lived with beautiful hands, some moment I should have reveled in. Now though, I just have big, aging, clumsy, sun-damaged hands a mere relic, eluding to the glory that may have been.

Monday, May 24, 2010


My sister-in-law Sam gave me this award! This gift comes at a small price. I am now supposed to tell you 7 things you didn't know about me, here goes. (Sam you are torturing me!!!!)
1. I love the quite in the early morning, tucked into the covers, easing my way into consciousness. In this place between asleep and awake I can take stock of myself without any self-judgement. Once I totally wake up, it's a different story.
2. I eat only one or two meals any given day, possibly 1100 calories-I consume at least that many calories a day in Dr. Pepper.
3. When I grow up I want to be an Architect. If I hit the lotto tomorrow, I would still go to Architecture school.
4. I want to live in a world surrounded by lush, flowering greenery. My thumb-not very green-but I truly enjoy the struggle. The soil behind my fingernails makes me feel alive!
5. My mother is my best friend! Always has been, as far back as childhood and still now in my 30's my mother is the only person who I think 'gets' me.
6. I would someday like to be part of a commune. Not the hippy kind with free love and no showers, but a co-op with gardens and weaving and artists and unplugged music.
7. Finally, I bought luggage when I graduated from college in 2002, I planned to see the world. I have only used it once, to go to Vegas for job training.
Thank you Sam for including me in your blog-adventures. For any new comers: I hope you enjoy the quilted madness of my life!

One Inch

I was cutting fabric into 1 inch strips a couple of weeks ago and I was reminded of a lesson I learned in college: To accomplish a goal I have to do things until I feel like I can't do it any longer, then, I have to do it longer and then I'll be done. In college this applied to everything from weekly assignments to entire semesters. I knew if I wanted to graduate with a B.S. degree, I would have to put in long hours and suffer-lots. I knew the goal would be worth it, but the practical day-to-day was very draining. In my last semester of college I took 21 credits because there were 2 classes that were only offered in the spring and I didn't want to waste another year-so I struggled. I know, as my mom can attest to, that I truly didn't think I could go on another minute, much less another semester. Everyday was a struggle. Every piece of homework was painful. I complained and cried more that semester than any other. Through all of the pain, I learned that I just had to keep going. I learned that even if I didn't think I could do it, but kept working at it daily, I would eventually finish. The end-result was the first Bachelors degree in the history of my family!
The same theory applies to the 1-inchers I was cutting. The 2 yards of fabric in front of me was so intimidating and so overwhelming and the progress was so s-l-o-w that I didn't think I would ever be done. After an hour of cutting my arm was sore. By the end of the second hour of cutting I was cursing and wanted to give up; but I keep going through the motions and eventually I was done. I worked and struggled and cursed my stupidity for thinking I could do this project in the first place, but I finished. (The sewing of the pieces back together was another test of perseverance, but that is a story for another time!)
I think anybody can start something. Anybody can take a few classes or cut up the first 1/2 yard of fabric; anybody can accomplish a task for a short amount of time. The difference is the people who can see past the discomfort of right now, keep working daily, and finish. The people who complete a task without giving up or loosing interest or 'changing their mind' are the ones who are the true winners in life. They are the ones that can accomplish great things. They are the ones we look up to and want to be like. From school to fabric I know my goals can be accomplished if I work until I can't do it any more-then do it more and finally I win the prize.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Schizophrenic Sherbet

Newest Completed Quilt..I named it Schizophrenic Sherbet. It started off very soft and once I added the bold pink it took on a life of its own. Not too bad for 3 days nap-time! I have 3 left over center panels, I think I'll use them to make something more subtle; but for now, they will go into the scrap bag for another day.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Neapolitan Scrappy Fences

I finally finished the Neapolitan Scrappy Fences Quilt top. I think it looks pretty good!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I have many reoccurring nightmares. I have so many, in fact, that I wonder when the last time I had a new dream was. One such nightmare involves my husband dying-tragically. I always wake up panic-stricken and upset. When I have these dreams they take over my day-time life too. I talk to my husband on the phone more and make sure I tell him I love him. I worry if I haven't heard from him in a couple of hours. If he is late home I am convinced that I will receive 'that' phone call. I realized this week that these horrible nightmare always become more prominent when my parents are going out of town. I finally realized that I panic because if my husband dies and my parents are gone I AM ALONE. I know if anything terrible were to happen there are people around to help me but my husband and parents are my only secure support. It turns out I am terrified of being alone. I don't think I am strong enough to raise my daughter alone. I don't think I can live without talking to my parents. I don't think I can occupy my time by myself without my husband.
I spent years alone and essentially friendless-but those were the worst years of my life. Those were the years that changed who I am and what I think of the world. I am panic-ing at the mere thought of re-living those horrible times-the thought of living that lonely way again. I need my husband! I need my family and friends and acquaintances and hobbies and I don't want any of those things to leave-especially my hubby.
Maybe now these panic-ridden nightmares will go away because I realized the root of the problem!?!? Maybe now I can sleep knowing my honey will come home to me and my parents will drive safely when they go out of town. We are are not made to be alone and my fears and insecurities can no longer keep me from living the full and people-filled life I deserve.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This Too

This Too Shall Pass. My sister-in-law reminded me of this again yesterday when I was complaining about my daughters behavior. It is one of those phrases that gets thrown around willie-nillie. It is a good sentiment, and I agree-that nothing can last forever, and eventually things will work themselves the moment-This Too Shall Not Pass Quickly Enough!
If life is lived to learn lessons, I may be learning disabled or possibly full fledged-retarded! Throughout my life thus far I have not learned TRUST, PATIENCE, or CALM. I have, however, learned how the get the school of hard knocks, which roads leads to the hard way, and what not to do! Humor, it seems, may be my only saving grace. My humor, though full of sarcasm and crass, does seem to level the playing field. If I can eventually laugh about it, I don't have nightmares about it and that, my friends, makes my life live-able.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Fits

My daughter has started throwing fits at an amazing frequency complete with ear-splitting volume. Just now, when I told her it was time to leave McDonald's she threw herself onto the floor and kicked her feet and screamed at the top of her lungs. There is no reason she started this-one day out of the blue she started kicking on the floor. I wish this behavior would stop, it does nothing but aggravate the hell out of me. This fit-throwing escalates 3 out of 5 times into all out battle. I know she is only 3.5, but she has a way of sucking away my very will to live!! I don't know how this started or how I can end this, but I am done with the fits.
I hate being the bad mother dragging my kid out of McDonald's by her arm. I hate being the one yelling and threatening, I hate being the bad guy... what did I do to make her like this? She gets my full attention all day every day and it is still not enough. Maybe that is it, she gets her way most of the time, so when she doesn't, she flies off the handle. Whatever it is, she is pushing me ever closer the the edge of my sanity. Padded Room, here I come!
Tell me again what the upside to motherhood is?!?!? I have to remind myself that I chose this. I can do this. It's not that bad. It doesn't feel that way on the inside. I feel like I fail more than I succeed at motherhood and at life. As a child I was always the 'good' kid. Kept to myself, did the right thing, entertained myself and stayed out of trouble. I remember as a kid-maybe 4th or 5th grade-being in my room with my ZooBooks animal posters all layed out thinking-knowing- this would be my life. Alone in my room with my stuff. I spent years in my 20's as an adult alone in my room. Even now, in my 30's, alone in my house. But now I have a kid that I can't handle and don't understand who yells back to drive home how horrible I am. I wish I could go back to being alone in my 20's and avoid the therapy for both Kristin and I.

Monday, May 3, 2010


As everybody know the 'it' word of this millennium is GREEN. Recycle, reuse, up cycle, conserve, and the list goes on. Now, I am not one to be outspoken on political issues, but something has been bothering me for a couple of days. I watched a craft-y show last week about cutting apart old clothing to then knitting it into new clothing. The idea, I thought, was nice, but the end product seemed as old and tattered as the skirt it was made from. I understand that there are very few uses for old clothing but wearing holey jeans as a scarf seemed a little far fetched for my taste.
Possibly, a better idea might be to not over shop. I know for me, I wear a small fraction of the clothing in my closet. Maybe I should give some of the under worn pieces to a women's shelter. I could probably spare all the clothes that are too small. Maybe collectively, we should start a community clothing exchange. We all have closets full of barely worn clothes that we would like to magically change into 'new' clothes don't we?!?
I just think that chopping up skirts and jeans and t-shirts to knit into blankets and scarfs is a little redundant. What may be a better idea is curb-side pick-up of actual recyclables. Couldn't this community use the economic boost? Couldn't we begin a community recycling plant? How about some wind turbines of our own? God knows we have enough wind here! I don't understand why small communities aren't using 'green' systems now, when they can easily be started and grow slowly and stably with the community. I'd be willing to bet we could truck the 6 county recyclables here to sort and turn a profit. Or, we could get out the rotary cutting and have at it on our jeans!