Monday, June 21, 2010

All things must come to a close...

Well, loyal readers, I am done with blogging for a while. I have re-read what I've written, and have come to the conclusion that, 'if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.' I have some work to do on myself that needs to be done quietly. I'll be back after a while. Thank you all for reading and commenting and making me feel loved. I really appreciate all the positive reinforcement!


Saturday, June 19, 2010


The give-a-way results are in!

Julie- Brown Runner
Jakell- Springtime Fun
Kimala- Desert
Kamie-Contemporary Black and White
Sam-Brown Square

Thank you all for participating! Please send me your address so I can ship you the prizes if you live out of town! I hope you all enjoy the runners. None of them are perfect, but they are all made with love.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Only 25 more views until I give away some Table Running Madness. If you want to get in on the contest here are the rules:

(1) Post a comment on this blog post. (Please note, I have changed the comments to be private. I know some of you don't want to say anything that everyone can read.)
(2) Become a follower.

Sounds pretty easy, eh? I would guess the drawing will take place this weekend. If you live out of town please send me your shipping address.

Thank you all for listening to the rantings of a Mad Woman who quilts!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Prayer is everywhere. Every religion in the world has some sort of prayer ritual, either a set prayer or a set way to pray. The Christians have, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven" and "Mother Mary Full of Grace." The Mormons have, "Dear Heavenly Father...thank you...bless this thing or that person...Jesus name, Amen." The prayer I say everyday, the prayer I recite when I need strength is Jenny's Prayer. "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here." Isn't that all prayer is, a plea for someone to change our current situation, our current state of mind. A plea to make things better or take care of someone we can't help. Jenny's simple, direct approach speaks to me an a level that 'Dear Heavenly Father' never did. Jenny's prayer makes it okay to be scared and okay to want to be magically transported to somewhere safe. Jenny's innocence gives me comfort in an uncertain world. I pray to be taken away and changed into a bird and fly to where no one is sick and no one fights and everyone gets what they want in life. I pray to make up for my mistakes...I pray to be far, far away from his place and this time in my life. I pray to a God who is there, but is as tired and overwhelmed and flawed as I am, because only a flawed soul would wish and pray things that will never come true like being changed in to a bird and fly away, in peace...

Monday, June 7, 2010

12 Steps

I need a 12 step program for a Total Personality Makeover. I need someone to coach me through making and keeping friends, becoming confident in social situations and navigating my way through crowds. Some people are born social butterflies, I was born a longing wall flower. My whole life I have wondered why people don't like me. I have always wondered why I'm the last one picked for the team or un-vitied to parties. I feel like I'm 12 years old and the room makes a unanimous groan as I approach night games. I try to ignore the whispers of, "who invited her?" and "she is gonna ruin the game." I wish I could just wear a sign that says, 'I am more afraid of you than you are of me.' or maybe, 'treat me gently-emotionally unstable!'
Some things never change. I still don't understand....I don't understand anything. I look at happy people with good lives and wonder what I did wrong. I wonder why, at 30, I don't know any more about human behavior than I did at 12. I wonder if I can tease death into ending my suffering. I know I'm supposed to say that I love my family and this too shall pass, and nothing could be that bad, but I'm so tired of all the bull shit. I'm tired of putting on the face and trying to make it work. If I can't talk to ladies that I have know for 2 or 3 years about anything other than the weather and then go home and have a panic attack about it, maybe I should stop pretending. I know they say that a little girl needs her mother, but I really don't have anything to teach her. All I know is book smarts and in the grand scheme of things, that means I know precious little about anything. She could learn what she needs to know at any day care in the country.
My husbands reminds me that I'm a bitch. He's right. I'm a bitch as a defense...anymore I don't seem to have to presence of mind to even be a bitch. For the most part I just keep it all to myself. I'm sure I'll let it all out inappropriately, but it's to be expected right, I'm the bitch. I'm so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of making mistakes. Tired of parenting. Tired of all of it. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Today. Today I know why I spent those years friendless and alone. Because I chose the easy road. I chose to be alone rather than to disappoint or not quite fit or say something stupid and be the bitch. I chose to stay home instead of run into that brick wall one more time. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't want so badly to be part of a group and suck so badly at participation. 12 steps would be nice. Then I will know where to go and what to do and when to pat myself on the back because I accomplished a task. I'm sure Dr. Phil wrote a book about my problem and I read it already, and it didn't help. I'm so tired...I can't post this. Luckily only 3 people read this drivel and they all have lives they are living successfully without all this head-drama. You should all count yourselves as lucky because this is what 'worse' looks like.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Nearing 900

As we approach 900 visits, I would like to remind everyone that when we reach 1,000 visits I will be giving away some Table Runners in a drawing. Here are the pics of what you can look forward to winning!

Eastern Utah Desert

Brown and Red Square

Brown and Red Runner

Spring-Time Brightness

Contemporary Black and White
More details for the actual drawing to come. Make sure you are a follower to get in on the action!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

In the Land of Blog

The online world if overrun with extremes. Extreme people writing extreme poetry talking about all things positive. The 'next blog' feature is one button I push now and again. It is interesting to see other people's lives. I have noticed a theme, there are blogs about:
1. My Family
2. My Hobby
3. My Physical Condition.
I just read part of a blog about a woman trying to breastfeed the child she had by artificial insemination. I read one about the poetry of some obscure Middle-Eastern ancient Guru. I read one more about the latest family vacation. I have noticed, especially on the 'family' blogs that only positives things are mentioned. The moral of the story is often pointed out and stories end in a tickle-fight. I wonder.... can life be that great all the time!?! In my mind, those who think they have the best life ever are, unbeknownst to them, waiting in a que for a giant tragedy. The 'everything is perfect' people are the ones who will have the breakdowns that land them in padded rooms. They are the ones whose husbands cheat and leave and whose teenagers get into drugs and sex at an early age. I think it is a good idea to keep on the bright side of life, but to only write the bright and not mention or even acknowledge the dark, leads to quite an unbalanced life. My life is full of ups and downs and lessons learned and lessons forgotten and I try to write about all of it. I really do feel bad for those who ignore the unpleasant, because with the unpleasant comes the reminder that 'things could be worse' and makes the good times even better.