I have many reoccurring nightmares. I have so many, in fact, that I wonder when the last time I had a new dream was. One such nightmare involves my husband dying-tragically. I always wake up panic-stricken and upset. When I have these dreams they take over my day-time life too. I talk to my husband on the phone more and make sure I tell him I love him. I worry if I haven't heard from him in a couple of hours. If he is late home I am convinced that I will receive 'that' phone call. I realized this week that these horrible nightmare always become more prominent when my parents are going out of town. I finally realized that I panic because if my husband dies and my parents are gone I AM ALONE. I know if anything terrible were to happen there are people around to help me but my husband and parents are my only secure support. It turns out I am terrified of being alone. I don't think I am strong enough to raise my daughter alone. I don't think I can live without talking to my parents. I don't think I can occupy my time by myself without my husband.
I spent years alone and essentially friendless-but those were the worst years of my life. Those were the years that changed who I am and what I think of the world. I am panic-ing at the mere thought of re-living those horrible times-the thought of living that lonely way again. I need my husband! I need my family and friends and acquaintances and hobbies and I don't want any of those things to leave-especially my hubby.
Maybe now these panic-ridden nightmares will go away because I realized the root of the problem!?!? Maybe now I can sleep knowing my honey will come home to me and my parents will drive safely when they go out of town. We are are not made to be alone and my fears and insecurities can no longer keep me from living the full and people-filled life I deserve.