Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The bottom

For almost 4 months now, I have felt okay with my life. This is a new record for me. (A sad, pathetic record, but still the longest I've ever gone being mostly 'up') That said, I am waiting for the bottom to drop out. I am waiting for some catastrophe to hit that will propel me back to my comfort zone in the bottomless pit of despair. Looking at the world without tear-filled eyes is much clearer, much more calm and beautiful. It is so sad for me to look back on my life and see all of my mistakes, to see all of the opportunities I have wasted. I have very clear memories of sadness. Sadness overcomes me even when I should be just the opposite.
I remember my wedding day. Sitting in front of the mirror with perfect hair and perfect make-up, feeling more beautiful than I ever thought I could...wanting to run away. I kept thinking of ways to get out of the mess that I started. I wanted to get in the car and drive away-drive until the car ran out of gas and pretend this never happened. I could feel the storm coming and I walked into it. My mother even asked me if I wanted to go through with it...I said yes. I lied. 15 months later when I was divorced I wish I could have just ran away.
I remember rocking my 4 day-old baby and sobbing, trying to apologize to her for making her born 'broken.' She had a heart defect that she later grew out of, but the guilt of having a 'perfect baby' be born 'not perfect' was almost unbearable to me. I felt as though I had done something wrong and my poor child was going to have to live with my mistake.
For the first time-since I left for college at 17, I am truly hopeful for the future. I want to take the opportunities, I want to embrace the light and not the sadness. I want to learn the permanent changes to make in my life so that I can achieve greatness, so that I can live happily ever after.

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