Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I smiled today. I smiled for no other reason but sheer contentment with life. This doesn't happen to me much. I was overcome with...peace. For one brief second everything was alright-I was alright. This may be the first time in years that I felt such a feeling. I spent years alone, very painfully alone. The emptiness inside is a feeling I am acquainted with. The pit of despair that overtakes every aspect of life, that overtakes the very will to live-this is a feeling I am accustomed to-not joy, certainly not true contentment.
When I realized I was smiling, I was shocked, embarrassed even. Suddenly...I get it. I get the 'high' that people search for. I want that feeling back. I want that feeling all the time. I want to live as many years with joy as I did in despair. I want my daughter to only know joy. I want to become a 'doe-eyed optimist.' I want to feel peace and security forever. I want this more than any lotto prize, more than any other thing. I know it doesn't work that way. If I struggle...I learn. If I learn...I grow. If I grow...I gain perspective. The cycle of life continues. But for one fleeting moment-I smiled!

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