Dandelion Design

All things must come to a close...

Well, loyal readers, I am done with blogging for a while. I have re-read what I've written, and have come to the conclusion that, 'if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.' I have some work to do on myself that needs to be done quietly. I'll be back after a while. Thank you all for reading and commenting and making me feel loved. I really appreciate all the positive reinforcement!



Miriam

Results

The give-a-way results are in!

Julie- Brown Runner
Jakell- Springtime Fun
Kimala- Desert
Kamie-Contemporary Black and White
Sam-Brown Square

Thank you all for participating! Please send me your address so I can ship you the prizes if you live out of town! I hope you all enjoy the runners. None of them are perfect, but they are all made with love.

975

Only 25 more views until I give away some Table Running Madness. If you want to get in on the contest here are the rules:

(1) Post a comment on this blog post. (Please note, I have changed the comments to be private. I know some of you don't want to say anything that everyone can read.)
(2) Become a follower.

Sounds pretty easy, eh? I would guess the drawing will take place this weekend. If you live out of town please send me your shipping address.

Thank you all for listening to the rantings of a Mad Woman who quilts!

Prayer

Prayer is everywhere. Every religion in the world has some sort of prayer ritual, either a set prayer or a set way to pray. The Christians have, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven" and "Mother Mary Full of Grace." The Mormons have, "Dear Heavenly Father...thank you...bless this thing or that person...Jesus name, Amen." The prayer I say everyday, the prayer I recite when I need strength is Jenny's Prayer. "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here." Isn't that all prayer is, a plea for someone to change our current situation, our current state of mind. A plea to make things better or take care of someone we can't help. Jenny's simple, direct approach speaks to me an a level that 'Dear Heavenly Father' never did. Jenny's prayer makes it okay to be scared and okay to want to be magically transported to somewhere safe. Jenny's innocence gives me comfort in an uncertain world. I pray to be taken away and changed into a bird and fly to where no one is sick and no one fights and everyone gets what they want in life. I pray to make up for my mistakes...I pray to be far, far away from his place and this time in my life. I pray to a God who is there, but is as tired and overwhelmed and flawed as I am, because only a flawed soul would wish and pray things that will never come true like being changed in to a bird and fly away, in peace...

12 Steps

I need a 12 step program for a Total Personality Makeover. I need someone to coach me through making and keeping friends, becoming confident in social situations and navigating my way through crowds. Some people are born social butterflies, I was born a longing wall flower. My whole life I have wondered why people don't like me. I have always wondered why I'm the last one picked for the team or un-vitied to parties. I feel like I'm 12 years old and the room makes a unanimous groan as I approach night games. I try to ignore the whispers of, "who invited her?" and "she is gonna ruin the game." I wish I could just wear a sign that says, 'I am more afraid of you than you are of me.' or maybe, 'treat me gently-emotionally unstable!'
Some things never change. I still don't understand....I don't understand anything. I look at happy people with good lives and wonder what I did wrong. I wonder why, at 30, I don't know any more about human behavior than I did at 12. I wonder if I can tease death into ending my suffering. I know I'm supposed to say that I love my family and this too shall pass, and nothing could be that bad, but I'm so tired of all the bull shit. I'm tired of putting on the face and trying to make it work. If I can't talk to ladies that I have know for 2 or 3 years about anything other than the weather and then go home and have a panic attack about it, maybe I should stop pretending. I know they say that a little girl needs her mother, but I really don't have anything to teach her. All I know is book smarts and in the grand scheme of things, that means I know precious little about anything. She could learn what she needs to know at any day care in the country.
My husbands reminds me that I'm a bitch. He's right. I'm a bitch as a defense...anymore I don't seem to have to presence of mind to even be a bitch. For the most part I just keep it all to myself. I'm sure I'll let it all out inappropriately, but it's to be expected right, I'm the bitch. I'm so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of making mistakes. Tired of parenting. Tired of all of it. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Today. Today I know why I spent those years friendless and alone. Because I chose the easy road. I chose to be alone rather than to disappoint or not quite fit or say something stupid and be the bitch. I chose to stay home instead of run into that brick wall one more time. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't want so badly to be part of a group and suck so badly at participation. 12 steps would be nice. Then I will know where to go and what to do and when to pat myself on the back because I accomplished a task. I'm sure Dr. Phil wrote a book about my problem and I read it already, and it didn't help. I'm so tired...I can't post this. Luckily only 3 people read this drivel and they all have lives they are living successfully without all this head-drama. You should all count yourselves as lucky because this is what 'worse' looks like.

Nearing 900

As we approach 900 visits, I would like to remind everyone that when we reach 1,000 visits I will be giving away some Table Runners in a drawing. Here are the pics of what you can look forward to winning!

Eastern Utah Desert

Brown and Red Square

Brown and Red Runner

Spring-Time Brightness

Contemporary Black and White

More details for the actual drawing to come. Make sure you are a follower to get in on the action!

In the Land of Blog

The online world if overrun with extremes. Extreme people writing extreme poetry talking about all things positive. The 'next blog' feature is one button I push now and again. It is interesting to see other people's lives. I have noticed a theme, there are blogs about:
1. My Family
2. My Hobby
3. My Physical Condition.
I just read part of a blog about a woman trying to breastfeed the child she had by artificial insemination. I read one about the poetry of some obscure Middle-Eastern ancient Guru. I read one more about the latest family vacation. I have noticed, especially on the 'family' blogs that only positives things are mentioned. The moral of the story is often pointed out and stories end in a tickle-fight. I wonder.... can life be that great all the time!?! In my mind, those who think they have the best life ever are, unbeknownst to them, waiting in a que for a giant tragedy. The 'everything is perfect' people are the ones who will have the breakdowns that land them in padded rooms. They are the ones whose husbands cheat and leave and whose teenagers get into drugs and sex at an early age. I think it is a good idea to keep on the bright side of life, but to only write the bright and not mention or even acknowledge the dark, leads to quite an unbalanced life. My life is full of ups and downs and lessons learned and lessons forgotten and I try to write about all of it. I really do feel bad for those who ignore the unpleasant, because with the unpleasant comes the reminder that 'things could be worse' and makes the good times even better.

Hands

You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. Cat-lovers have scratches. Hard workers have calluses. High-maintenance people has manicures....the rest of us just have hands. My hands have started to age. No longer do I have elegant long fingers and neatly long-trimmed nails with strong, square palms. No...now they are sun-damaged and freckly. They have broken or chipped nails and ragged cuticle. They have lost the long elegance of yester year and are rapidly becoming just big and well-used and old. I wonder why this happens. I wonder why one day I woke up and noticed the subtle differences. I think, maybe, all things in life work this way. Everything seemed fine and I enjoyed the beauty of my hands and the detail that I could get my fingers to accomplish, but now, it's different. My eyes can't see the detail like they used to and my fingers seem to clumsily accomplish tasks. I feel I have missed something...some life I should have lived with beautiful hands, some moment I should have reveled in. Now though, I just have big, aging, clumsy, sun-damaged hands a mere relic, eluding to the glory that may have been.

Award

My sister-in-law Sam gave me this award! This gift comes at a small price. I am now supposed to tell you 7 things you didn't know about me, here goes. (Sam you are torturing me!!!!)

1. I love the quite in the early morning, tucked into the covers, easing my way into consciousness. In this place between asleep and awake I can take stock of myself without any self-judgement. Once I totally wake up, it's a different story.

2. I eat only one or two meals any given day, possibly 1100 calories-I consume at least that many calories a day in Dr. Pepper.

3. When I grow up I want to be an Architect. If I hit the lotto tomorrow, I would still go to Architecture school.

4. I want to live in a world surrounded by lush, flowering greenery. My thumb-not very green-but I truly enjoy the struggle. The soil behind my fingernails makes me feel alive!

5. My mother is my best friend! Always has been, as far back as childhood and still now in my 30's my mother is the only person who I think 'gets' me.

6. I would someday like to be part of a commune. Not the hippy kind with free love and no showers, but a co-op with gardens and weaving and artists and unplugged music.

7. Finally, I bought luggage when I graduated from college in 2002, I planned to see the world. I have only used it once, to go to Vegas for job training.

Thank you Sam for including me in your blog-adventures. For any new comers: I hope you enjoy the quilted madness of my life!

One Inch

I was cutting fabric into 1 inch strips a couple of weeks ago and I was reminded of a lesson I learned in college: To accomplish a goal I have to do things until I feel like I can't do it any longer, then, I have to do it longer and then I'll be done. In college this applied to everything from weekly assignments to entire semesters. I knew if I wanted to graduate with a B.S. degree, I would have to put in long hours and suffer-lots. I knew the goal would be worth it, but the practical day-to-day was very draining. In my last semester of college I took 21 credits because there were 2 classes that were only offered in the spring and I didn't want to waste another year-so I struggled. I know, as my mom can attest to, that I truly didn't think I could go on another minute, much less another semester. Everyday was a struggle. Every piece of homework was painful. I complained and cried more that semester than any other. Through all of the pain, I learned that I just had to keep going. I learned that even if I didn't think I could do it, but kept working at it daily, I would eventually finish. The end-result was the first Bachelors degree in the history of my family!
The same theory applies to the 1-inchers I was cutting. The 2 yards of fabric in front of me was so intimidating and so overwhelming and the progress was so s-l-o-w that I didn't think I would ever be done. After an hour of cutting my arm was sore. By the end of the second hour of cutting I was cursing and wanted to give up; but I keep going through the motions and eventually I was done. I worked and struggled and cursed my stupidity for thinking I could do this project in the first place, but I finished. (The sewing of the pieces back together was another test of perseverance, but that is a story for another time!)
I think anybody can start something. Anybody can take a few classes or cut up the first 1/2 yard of fabric; anybody can accomplish a task for a short amount of time. The difference is the people who can see past the discomfort of right now, keep working daily, and finish. The people who complete a task without giving up or loosing interest or 'changing their mind' are the ones who are the true winners in life. They are the ones that can accomplish great things. They are the ones we look up to and want to be like. From school to fabric I know my goals can be accomplished if I work until I can't do it any more-then do it more and finally I win the prize.

Schizophrenic Sherbet

Newest Completed Quilt..I named it Schizophrenic Sherbet. It started off very soft and once I added the bold pink it took on a life of its own. Not too bad for 3 days nap-time! I have 3 left over center panels, I think I'll use them to make something more subtle; but for now, they will go into the scrap bag for another day.

Neapolitan Scrappy Fences

I finally finished the Neapolitan Scrappy Fences Quilt top. I think it looks pretty good!

Panic

I have many reoccurring nightmares. I have so many, in fact, that I wonder when the last time I had a new dream was. One such nightmare involves my husband dying-tragically. I always wake up panic-stricken and upset. When I have these dreams they take over my day-time life too. I talk to my husband on the phone more and make sure I tell him I love him. I worry if I haven't heard from him in a couple of hours. If he is late home I am convinced that I will receive 'that' phone call. I realized this week that these horrible nightmare always become more prominent when my parents are going out of town. I finally realized that I panic because if my husband dies and my parents are gone I AM ALONE. I know if anything terrible were to happen there are people around to help me but my husband and parents are my only secure support. It turns out I am terrified of being alone. I don't think I am strong enough to raise my daughter alone. I don't think I can live without talking to my parents. I don't think I can occupy my time by myself without my husband.
I spent years alone and essentially friendless-but those were the worst years of my life. Those were the years that changed who I am and what I think of the world. I am panic-ing at the mere thought of re-living those horrible times-the thought of living that lonely way again. I need my husband! I need my family and friends and acquaintances and hobbies and I don't want any of those things to leave-especially my hubby.
Maybe now these panic-ridden nightmares will go away because I realized the root of the problem!?!? Maybe now I can sleep knowing my honey will come home to me and my parents will drive safely when they go out of town. We are are not made to be alone and my fears and insecurities can no longer keep me from living the full and people-filled life I deserve.

This Too

This Too Shall Pass. My sister-in-law reminded me of this again yesterday when I was complaining about my daughters behavior. It is one of those phrases that gets thrown around willie-nillie. It is a good sentiment, and I agree-that nothing can last forever, and eventually things will work themselves out-but....in the moment-This Too Shall Not Pass Quickly Enough!
If life is lived to learn lessons, I may be learning disabled or possibly full fledged-retarded! Throughout my life thus far I have not learned TRUST, PATIENCE, or CALM. I have, however, learned how the get the school of hard knocks, which roads leads to the hard way, and what not to do! Humor, it seems, may be my only saving grace. My humor, though full of sarcasm and crass, does seem to level the playing field. If I can eventually laugh about it, I don't have nightmares about it and that, my friends, makes my life live-able.

The Fits

My daughter has started throwing fits at an amazing frequency complete with ear-splitting volume. Just now, when I told her it was time to leave McDonald's she threw herself onto the floor and kicked her feet and screamed at the top of her lungs. There is no reason she started this-one day out of the blue she started kicking on the floor. I wish this behavior would stop, it does nothing but aggravate the hell out of me. This fit-throwing escalates 3 out of 5 times into all out battle. I know she is only 3.5, but she has a way of sucking away my very will to live!! I don't know how this started or how I can end this, but I am done with the fits.
I hate being the bad mother dragging my kid out of McDonald's by her arm. I hate being the one yelling and threatening, I hate being the bad guy... what did I do to make her like this? She gets my full attention all day every day and it is still not enough. Maybe that is it, she gets her way most of the time, so when she doesn't, she flies off the handle. Whatever it is, she is pushing me ever closer the the edge of my sanity. Padded Room, here I come!
Tell me again what the upside to motherhood is?!?!? I have to remind myself that I chose this. I can do this. It's not that bad. It doesn't feel that way on the inside. I feel like I fail more than I succeed at motherhood and at life. As a child I was always the 'good' kid. Kept to myself, did the right thing, entertained myself and stayed out of trouble. I remember as a kid-maybe 4th or 5th grade-being in my room with my ZooBooks animal posters all layed out thinking-knowing- this would be my life. Alone in my room with my stuff. I spent years in my 20's as an adult alone in my room. Even now, in my 30's, alone in my house. But now I have a kid that I can't handle and don't understand who yells back to drive home how horrible I am. I wish I could go back to being alone in my 20's and avoid the therapy for both Kristin and I.

Green

As everybody know the 'it' word of this millennium is GREEN. Recycle, reuse, up cycle, conserve, and the list goes on. Now, I am not one to be outspoken on political issues, but something has been bothering me for a couple of days. I watched a craft-y show last week about cutting apart old clothing to then knitting it into new clothing. The idea, I thought, was nice, but the end product seemed as old and tattered as the skirt it was made from. I understand that there are very few uses for old clothing but wearing holey jeans as a scarf seemed a little far fetched for my taste.
Possibly, a better idea might be to not over shop. I know for me, I wear a small fraction of the clothing in my closet. Maybe I should give some of the under worn pieces to a women's shelter. I could probably spare all the clothes that are too small. Maybe collectively, we should start a community clothing exchange. We all have closets full of barely worn clothes that we would like to magically change into 'new' clothes don't we?!?
I just think that chopping up skirts and jeans and t-shirts to knit into blankets and scarfs is a little redundant. What may be a better idea is curb-side pick-up of actual recyclables. Couldn't this community use the economic boost? Couldn't we begin a community recycling plant? How about some wind turbines of our own? God knows we have enough wind here! I don't understand why small communities aren't using 'green' systems now, when they can easily be started and grow slowly and stably with the community. I'd be willing to bet we could truck the 6 county recyclables here to sort and turn a profit. Or, we could get out the rotary cutting and have at it on our jeans!

LOCAL

Have you ever noticed that pay-day is the busiest day of the week? Groceries to buy, bills to pay, gas to pump. I end up spending at least an entire morning just running 'errands.' I noticed today while out doing the weekly errands that each place I went, I knew people. I ran into friends in every store I went in...friends that, though I may not hang out with, I still feel like I know. It was strange to realize how many faces I recognize and how many people I say HI to throughout the course of the day. When I feel like I am alone I need to bookmark this day and remind myself that there are people out there who know me and care about me. I have officially become LOCAL!

What to Say?!?!?

I have so much on my mind lately that I can't seem to complete any thoughts...but, here goes: ICEE's are not a good alternative to Dr. Pepper. Turns out, when I was making my 'better' choice this afternoon to opt for a beverage other than the standard, I was WAY WRONG! Just so you know!

Bad Weather

Bad weather has put me in a bad mood. The sun is kinda shining, but the wind is blowing and the clouds are sprinkling. For two days now my daughter and I have had to stay inside for the most part and it is taking a toll in me. I need Kristin to have a nap everyday to that I can unwind for a minute and gear up for the evening. She doesn't have a nap if she doesn't play at the park for an hour or so in the morning and burn up all her energy. Her increased energy is truly draining me!!
I have been trying to figure out why I do things that make me uncomfortable, like go to play group regularly. I have come up with a very simple answer: it is better to try to be social and make friends and talk with other moms, than it is to sit home and hate. On a good day, I hate about half of what I do (laundry, cooking, cleaning, child-rearing responsibilities, husband-rearing responsibilities etc.) I do so many things because it is my job. Because Mom has to manage to keep it together otherwise, everything falls apart.
I have a good husband who is a good provider and does it willingly. He works 10+hours a day so that I can stay home with Kristin. He has such a good attitude about it too-for him, it is a pleasure to go to work. Not because of his job, but because he loves Kristin and I and our little family so much. He is living his dream of stable family life-a dream that, sadly, he hasn't lived before. I need to be more appreciative of him. As for me, I am not living my dream. I missed my chance to live a dream because I was too caught up in-overwhelming sadness. It is all in the attitude, as they say. I need to change my attitude and accept that this is my life, and maybe if I didn't hate so much, I might actually enjoy the hours at the park or the hours at home or the play group ladies and all of their drama. That is the thing isn't it...how do I change my attitude? How do I disguise my distrust of the world, how do I get over regret and missed opportunities, how do I become the person I should be inside while making dinners and sitting at the park? I just want it all to go away. I want to start over, make better choices earlier in life. I want to enjoy this moment-because that is all I have.